Black, White, Gray, Gold
by sunkissedchris
Summary: Steve and Pony have never been close. Will Steve drive Pony to his breaking point? Will Pony start to drift from the gang? A story about growing up, finding out who you are, and accepting your past.
1. A fine line between love and hate

* I don't own _The Outsiders_.

Ponyboy and Steve have never been close. Steve thinks Pony is a tag along, Pony hates Steve's guts...or does he? Is there relationship as black and white as the book portrays it to be? After Johnny and Dally, things have been hard for Ponyboy. Will Steve push Ponyboy to the end of his patience, causing Pony to stray from the gang? Does the gang see how much their deaths are eating Pony up? Will Steve and Pony always hate each other, or will Steve prove to be a better friend than Pony ever thought he could be?

Warning: swearing

(PPOV)

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I sat on the couch, staring at the screen of the television. I didn't listen and if you'd asked me what I just saw, I couldn't tell you. Today was the second month since _that_ horrible night. The night_ they_ died.

It wrenched my heart every time I thought about it, heard a whisper about it, even looking at a book would remind me of the times I'd talk to Johnny about it. Everywhere was a constant reminder, it was hard to accept it all, I still hadn't accepted it.

I swear sometimes I wake up and wonder what me and Johnny should do that day or I find myself wondering who Dally had gotten into a bar fight with. It hurts every time I realize that I won't be doing anything with Johnny and Dally didn't have a fight with anyone because they're not here. They're dead.

Jesus, I can barley admit it to myself.

I glanced around, watching Steve and Soda fool around like any other time. It made me smile weakly when I thought about them. I could always count on the two of them acting like themselves. Soda and Steve were currently playing one another in a game of poker, of course, both accusing the other of cheating. Both guilty.

Two-Bit was driving Darry to the end of his limited patience with a long drawn out tale about something dumb. He's been going on and on for the past twenty minutes, I smirked a little about how predictable it was. Darry paid attention for the first five minutes, figuring out it was stupid, he tuned Two-Bit out and continued with whatever he was doing, next he starts to get annoyed with Two-Bit hanging over his shoulder, finally the grand finale, Darry yells at him to get a life.

_3...2...1..._

"Two-Bit, shut your trap! Don't you see I don't care about how you fell down at Shepard's party? I don't care that you fell and I don't care how you ended up falling. Why don't you go out and do something relatively productive, like get a job, instead of torturing me with this!?"

_Nice timing Curtis._ I laughed a little.

"Darry, I could have seriously hurt myself and you say you don't care." Two-Bit dramatically draped a hand over his heart and stumbled back, feigning hurt.

Darry rolled his eyes. "Well you're obviously fine. Not to mention, you find a way to hurt yourself daily, I don't need to know about all of them, especially one as embarrassing as falling at Shepard's party. If I were you, I'd keep that to myself and hope that nobody saw it, and if anybody did see it, that they were too drunk to remember."

Two-Bit just laughed, his gray eyes shining with humor. Like he cares if anyone saw it, he probably finds it funnier than anyone else.

Soda left the room to go take a shower, I stepped out onto the porch. The night was chilly, colder than the night at the park. I really hate how I can't get it all out of my head, I figure it's 'cause I don't understand why it all happened.

Why would three kids die? Why did my parents die? Though that's a lot different than Johnny, Dally and Bob dying, at least my parents got to live a little. I ain't saying it was fair they died, because it's not, but they finished school, had a family, stuff like that. Stuff that Johnny, Bob, and maybe even Dally ever got to dream about.

I sat down, my head swimming with all the wrongs, the too few rights, and the countless questions. I wished I could just shut my brain off for a while. Steve came out, lighting a cigarette, I looked at the burning end of the cigarette.

_Heat, fire, choking..._

"Hey, kid." Steve's smile was cocky, his voice slightly mocking.

"Why ain't you answering. Do you remember how, or did that kick to your head make you forget?" He asked sarcastically. I ignored him, knowing full well he was probably just pissed off about something and wanted to let some of the steam off. I didn't want to be his victim, but then again it always seems I end up someone's punching bag.

Why not Steve's too?

I looked up at the stars, thinking about the paper I'd given Mr. Syme. He'd read it and I'd gotten an A+ on it. He'd made a lot of comments about it too, thanking me for sharing my opinion with him, telling me he thinks I could be a great writer. I'd never really thought about writing as a career, always thought about the science field as a career for myself, an English career could be cool though.

Steve was still ranting and now started poking me, I tuned in enough to catch this much, "You're not the only one who lost them, you're being a selfish little kid."

_What?_

Red hot anger flew through me, _who the fuck does he think he is?_ I was well aware I wasn't the only one who'd lost people they cared about, but I was the one who watched the both of them die, hell Johnny was my best friend.

"What the fuck are you going on about?! I know that I'm not the only one who lost them." I hissed, glaring at him.

"You sure don't act like it."

"Fuck off, Randle."

"Grow up, get a life, baby Curtis."

I didn't even think about what I was doing, I didn't care what the consequences may be. I never could stand Steve and he'd always loved to make fun of me, but I wasn't going to have this conversation, I wasn't going to be everyone's punching bag.

I swung around quick and punched him in the face, one of my knuckles splitting from the impact. Taken completely off guard, he fell back, slamming into the corner of the porch with a loud_ bang_.

"That grown up enough for you?" I said sarcastically, taking a stride until I was right in his face, a small trickle of blood coming from his nose, expression shocked. The door behind me opened and I heard the gang's questions but ignored them. "Just because your father treats you like shit, doesn't mean you can come here and treat me how you feel for your own fucking amusement. I don't care what your problem is, but you are not taking it out on me." Soda tugged on my arm, but I shook him off. "And lastly, you don't know anything about what I'm feeling or thinking so shut up. Yeah you lost Johnny and Dally the same as I did, but Johnny wasn't your best bud, he was mine. I wonder where you'd end up if Soda wasn't around, if you had to watch him die in front of your face because of a choice you made."

With that I jumped off the stairs yelling that I was going out and I'd be home by curfew.

"Pony!" I heard Soda yell after me.

"Just leave me alone!" I didn't turn to look at any of their faces, having a pretty good clue what I'd find.

I glanced up at the stars, drawing in some deep breaths so I could cool off some.

_How am I suppose to stay gold?_

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Should I continue? Review if you want more!


	2. What should I do?

*I don't own The Outsiders.

Thanks for all the favorites, reviews, etc.....

(Steve's POV)

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"What did you say to him!? I've never seen him that pissed off!" Soda said harshly to me.

"I...." I'd known what I was saying to Pony wasn't exactly "nice," but then again when am I ever really nice to anyone. He really needed to get over what happened, we all have. Though I'll admit he had a point, I have no clue what I'd do if I'd lost Soda like he lost Johnny.

Still, he has two brothers that would do anything for him. Me and Two-Bit, whether we'd admit it or not, would risk a limb for him too. He's being selfish, can't he see how much he still has? What, are we all not good enough for him? We've all been worrying about him, Soda and Darry are walking on egg shells around him. It kills Soda to see the kid so...depressed, and not knowing how to help. I was just trying to get Pone to see all that.

Hell that fucking kid wraps you around his fingers without you even realizing it, then something happens to him and you're all bent out of shape.

Soda huffed at me and hauled me roughly up by my arm. "Go into the bathroom and clean up."

I looked at the mess, that was my face. He'd managed to clip my cheek and nose all in one swing. I was going to have a bruise across my left cheek and my nose was still bleeding steadily, at least he didn't break it. If I hadn't moved at the last moment, it would be broken. I grabbed some tissues and held onto my nose, hoping the bleeding would stop soon, I didn't want to just stand here. My shirt was ruined, great. I swore.

"Here, you can use one of my shirts." I looked over to Soda, my best buddy.

_I wonder where you'd end up if Soda wasn't around..._

I shivered as Pony's words echoed in my head.

"Soda, I was really just trying to make him see everything in a different light. Man,I just fucked things up, didn't I?" My voice sounded funny, since I couldn't breath out of my nose.

Soda sighed, "I know Steve, I know your intentions were good, but he needs time. If you were anyone else I swear to God I'd kill you right now."

"..." I just stared at him, knowing it was true, anyone else and Darry, Soda, and Two-Bit would be after whoever it was, even I would be after 'em, but they all saw where I was coming from, luckily for me.

"Man, the kid's got your temper Poppers!" Two-Bit laughed, slapping Soda on his back, using his nickname for Soda. He looked over to me, I met his eyes, "Looks like he's got Superman's punch too." He laughed louder, I shook my head as I scowled at Two-Bit, knowing I didn't look too tough holding my nose like I was.

Darry snorted, looked at me and he didn't even bother to hide his grin, "Yeah, I guess he does."

I was annoyed with their laughter at my expense, of course they were trying to just lighten the mood, all of them worried about Pone just running off. I wasn't too worried, the kid won't do anything stupid on purpose. He usually just ends up in bad situations 'cause he doesn't pay attention to anything going on around him, the one thing about him that really pisses me off, he's oblivious to some things he shouldn't be oblivious to. But he said he'd be home my curfew, midnight, and he probably would be, maybe a few minutes late if he loses track of time. I wasn't too worried.

I may come off as an ass, but he has it better than he thinks. Sure his buddies are gone but he has great brothers, he couldn't ask for better brothers, and he had great parents. Sure they're gone, which sucks, but they treated him good, they never hit him like my Dad or Dally's father did. We all heard and saw Johnny's parents in action. I just wanted to point that out, it pissed me off that he doesn't see what he has, it's right in front of his face yet he acts like he lost everything.

I was really just trying to help a little, of course, I just fucked up.

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(PPOV)

I pressed my bleeding knuckle onto my shirt, a black t-shirt, good the blood wouldn't show up easily.

I walked the strip, watching cars roll by, hearing a whirl wind of voices wing by. I watched as a group of greasers laughed with one another and a group of Socs point and laugh at some kid.

Poor kid.

I'd already calmed down and was trying to think through what I just did. I'd punched Steve in the face, not a playful punch in the least. I hope Soda wouldn't be too mad at me about that, and I hope Steve doesn't come after me. I don't want to cause a rift between Soda and Steve. As much as I don't like Steve, it would hurt me more to hurt Soda.

I guess I'll have to apologize. I really don't want to either, me and Steve could make a show of it for Soda's sake and just ignore each other afterwards. Of course, Soda knows both of us well enough that he'd probably catch on.

I kicked a can to the side, it clanged hollowly against the bench it hit. I sat down on the bench, picking off some of the chipping paint.

Steve was right, they lost Johnny and Dally too. We all watched Dally go, but they all know it'd be way harder to watch Johnny just because he was the pet. I wonder sometimes how I would have reacted if I hadn't been messed up from the concussion. Would I have flipped out and done something stupid like Dally? Or would I have been able to take it?

Dally committed suicide. I still couldn't wrap my mind around that, he wasn't suppose to care, he was suppose to be above anything, able to do anything. What was he thinking when he did that? When did the idea of suicide come into his head? Before or after he called? That's what I want to know. Did he want us as an audience or did he pull the gun spur of the moment?

I felt the familiar tightening of my stomach, the feeling I had every time I attempted to make sense out of everything. I closed my eyes, feeling dizzy, the cool crisp breeze felt good against my flushed face.

What can I do to distract myself? I racked my brain for an answer, thinking about where I could go and find someone I could just hang out with. Shepard's party. I grinned a little, Curly had gotten out early and there was going to be a party to celebrate. Of course, Darry and Soda wouldn't really approve of me hanging out there, but I'd make sure to be careful. Curly could tell me all his stories about his stay in the reformatory. Stories I probably didn't want to know, but they'd be a welcomed distraction.

I had been right, the party was wild. I glanced around, beer bottles, cans, and cups littered the place. In the corner, a couple were making out and oh my God...I blushed and looked away. Now, where's Curly? He was easy to find, considering he was dancing on top of a table, telling stories.

"Curtis!" He yelled loudly. How drunk or high is he? He hopped off the table and came over to me, he slapped my back.

"I didn't expect to see you here, Curtis. Darry finally letting up a little."

I chuckled, "No one knows I'm here."

"Well, well, I'll keep my mouth shut, then maybe you'll come and party more. You would think, being friends with Two-Bit and all, you'd like to drink a little. Or has that changed since I've been gone? Have you even been drunk, if you haven't, what are you waiting for?"

I laughed at his drunken babble. "Yeah I have been drunk and Darry almost killed me for it. Plus, I don't think I want to be reminded of hangovers."

He rolled his eyes, "If you keep drinking, you won't have that problem."

"I don't want anything to drink, Curly." It was best to just lay down the law or we'd have this conversation multiple times within the next couple hours.

A few people yelled over to me and I walked over and joined their group along with Curly. Curly was the type of person who could shift from group to group easily, sure he was a hood, a lot like Tim, but he was fun to be around. I slowly relaxed, feeling stress slowly leave my body.

Maybe I just needed to get away from them all, from everything, hang out with some different people for a change.


	3. Why do I have a bad feeling?

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

Reviews are appreciated.....

(Soda's POV)

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I waited anxiously for Ponyboy to come back home. I was still a little shocked about him taking off, not to mention that punch he gave Steve. Steve had left only an hour ago and you could already see the black and blue bruises forming on the left side of his face.

At the same time, I couldn't help but be a little proud. That was one hell of a punch. I grinned widely, he might be small, but he has the Curtis temper. All the fight and drive of a Curtis, hell yeah I was proud. Of course I knew this already, I've seen him fight, but he never loses it like he did tonight.

That worries me. It was so...weird for him to get that angry, and I know he's never thrown the first punch. I still want to know what Steve said to him. Steve cares about Pony, but he doesn't know how to talk to him. I'm afraid to ask Pone what he said, I don't want him to get pissed all over again and Steve just didn't tell me when I asked. Of course, I probably could have just asked him again, when he wasn't sitting there in shock. Damn, I never thought Pony would be able to take Steve, now I'm not too sure, I guess it would depend on their moods.

That would be interesting, only I don't want my brother and best buddy fighting.

Darry was reading the paper, like he always does at night, especially when Pony's out. I hope he's home on time, I don't want both of their tempers flaring, that wouldn't be pretty and they'd both regret it. Though, they're acting better towards each other.

Thank God, I hate being in the middle of their bull sessions.

Two-Bit's lanky figure was sprawled ungracefully across the couch. He's been laughing all night about Pony punching Steve, Pony was going to hear about it from Two-Bit whether he wanted to or not.

Two-Bit was staying tonight, he didn't want to go home. Something about Karen, his sister, having a sleep over at his place. He didn't want to hear them squealing, giggling, and whispering secrets all night. Or hear/see them do whatever girls do at slumber parties.

I grinned when I thought about that night me and Steve crashed Sandy and Evie's slumber party. We ended up sneaking the girls out and just having a fun time out and about in the city. We hit so many good parties and everyone was out, God that was fun.

Damn, I shook my head, I still couldn't get that broad out of my head.

I glanced over at the clock, I had to turn around in Darry's chair in order to do so, 11:45. I wonder where he went anyway.

I'm kind of happy Pony went out tonight, I hope he went and found someone to hang out with and didn't just wonder around by himself. I've been trying to get him out of the house for the past two months. He goes sometimes, but I know it's just because he wants me off his back and he never really enjoys what we're doing.

I want him to be happy. I have no clue how to make him happy though. He's been so...distant since Johnny and Dally died. Everyone, including myself, keep on saying he needs time. I'd said it earlier to Steve, but how much time does he need? It has been two months. Is he really going to feel better on his own? I don't think so, he's the type of person who needs to talk it out. It's always a wrestle to finally get him to talk about whatever is bothering him, but never this bad. He always came to me to talk and I know he went to Johnny, but Johnnycakes isn't here, I am.

It was before this whole mess that he'd came and talk to me about anything serious, anything that was bothering him. Now I feel like he's pushing me away and out. It hurts, I don't think he's doing on purpose, but...just...ugh..._I've_ noticed him doing it and it kills me.

The clock chimed as it struck midnight. Crap and he ain't here. Well he'll be here soon. I heard Darry sigh and I glanced over to see him looking at the clock shaking his head. Pony is never on time. I swear we could strap a hundred watched onto him, but he'd still be late just because he'd forget he had them and wouldn't look at any of them.

Two-Bit's loud snoring pulled me from my thoughts. I threw a pillow on his face, hoping he'd wake up and shut up. He'd probably wake up and start talking about his dream or something. The pillow didn't wake him up, just muffled his snores. Better than nothing.

I laughed at Darry, when I caught him glaring a Two-Bit.

Darry met my gaze and said, "He's even obnoxious when he's asleep." I smiled widely in agreement. Good old Two-Bit.

The screen door squeaked softly as Pony stepped through. I did a quick once over, good he doesn't look like he got in a fight or anything. And he's only ten minutes late, probably a new record for him.

"Hey Pone, you have a good time?"

"You're late." I shot Darry a quick glare. He really needs to learn when to lay the heck off.

"Only ten minutes." Pony responded quietly. "That ain't so bad, that's good for me. I'm usually later."

I chuckled, I'd just thought the same thing.

Darry didn't find it amusing, he really needs a break from work. "Why don't we all just get some sleep?"

We all headed to our rooms, I stripped down to my boxers and hopped in. I hated sleeping with too much clothing on, even though it was cold out. It was too restricting and then the blankets too, ick. Pony, however, kept a shirt on.

I threw my arm around him, like I do every night, but then I smelt it. Behind the scent of tobacco and mint I could smell...alcohol. Surprised, I sniffed again.

"Are you getting a cold or something, Soda?" Pony asked me drowsily.

"Were you drinking?" I whispered yelled.

I saw him grimace. "I swear I wasn't going to and I didn't, but then right before I left I only had one. It's not that big a deal, Soda. Please, please, please, don't tell Darry!"

I sighed. "I won't, but I should tell him. I don't want you drinking just as much as Darry. I don't want you throwing your life away for a bottle. Before you even say it, I know it was one drink, I'm just saying. Though, I'm guessing you did have a good time tonight them, hmm kiddo?"

I could feel his body shake with silent laughter under me, I smiled, I couldn't tell you the last time he had to muffle laughter into his pillow. It could be from the booze, but whatever.

"Well are you going to tell me where you went tonight, who you were with, and what you did, or not?"

"Okay, well after I left I walked the strip and I was bored, so I decided I wanted to do something. Then I remembered that Curly Shepard got out early and Tim was going to throw him a welcome home party. Of course, that was just a reason to have a party..."

"Like Shepard needs a reason to have a party." We both laughed.

"Anyway, I went there and it was easy to find Curly. I found some people I know and we all just hung out. Curly was telling me things I'd rather forget, you know how it is there."

"Yeah I do." I know he could hear the concern in my voice. A lot of things can happen at the Shepard's.

"I was careful, promise. I just wanted to catch up with Curly and I did. I said no all night to drinking, but then I ended up just having the one. It was a lot of fun, I haven't had fun in awhile and I don't know, it just felt real good to relax." Pony babbled on, I'm not sure what he drank, but it made him talkative. Well, I guess if I want him to talk all I got to do is get him slightly drunk. Plus, he did need to relax and have fun.

"You ain't mad at me are you, Sodapop? I was careful, I swear."

"I ain't mad at you, just don't make drinking a habit is all I'm saying."

"Something tells me Darry would lock me up before that happened." He laughed, a little too loudly because Darry yelled, "What are you two going on about?"

"Nothing!" We both yelled back, forgetting Two-Bit was sleeping in the living room.

"Yeah when I walked in there was this couple in the corner practically doing it. Can you believe that? They didn't even bother going upstairs or finding a bedroom!"

I snorted at him, "That stuff happens at those parties, Pony." He still catches me off guard with how ignorant he can be. It was Shepard's party, you go there expecting that sort of thing, yet he was obviously taken off guard. His face turned red just from mentioning it, I wonder how much he blushed at the party. I laughed a little at that.

He yawned, "Night, Soda."

"Night."

Pony fell right asleep, hopefully he wouldn't have any nightmares tonight. I frowned, alcohol in his system and one of his nightmares together would not be good. Hopefully, whatever he drank keeps him from dreaming.

Suddenly, I realized I hadn't even brought up Steve. Oh well, I didn't want to ruin Pone's good mood anyway.

I groaned, I was wide awake.

_Why do I have a bad feeling about all of this?_


	4. Alone and Stupidly Unafraid

*I don't own _The Outsiders_. (Which we all already know)

Man, the last chapter was hard! Soda is suppose to be happy go lucky, kind of childish, yet he's almost 17 so he must be a little mature, right? So I just wanted to say, I'm sorry if you thought the last chapter was a little out of character, I'm trying my best. Italics are either a flashback or a quote from the book. Guess I feel like writing today, because I'm updating again. Enjoy!

(PPOV)

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I woke up to loud clanging in the kitchen, I guess Darry was making breakfast this morning. I could hear Steve cursing out Darry for waking him up too early with the pans. I guess Steve and his Dad had it out last night, again.

_Just because your father treats you like shit..._

I groaned to myself. You were an ass, you were telling him to stop acting like a jerk to you, yet you said that to him.

Way to go Ponyboy.

Soda was already up, probably bouncing around trying to find his DX shirt or cap or maybe his shoes. That was a daily occurrence. Every time we wanted to leave the house, since we were kids, we all had to look for Soda's shoes. I don't know why he can't put them in the same place, it would solve the problem, but he never listens. Well, he listens and forgets about it later.

"_Do you all want to go out for ice cream?" My mom asked all of us, smiling softly, lovingly._

"_Yeah!" Me, Darry, Soda, Steve, Two-Bit, and Johnny cheered. I was only four at the time and Dally hadn't even moved down from New York yet._

_All five of us were standing with my Dad ready, while Soda and Mom looked for his shoes. They searched the entire house while the gang and Dad complained. Eventually, we all got off our lazy butts and helped, it was 45 minutes before Soda found his shoes._

_Those 45 minutes felt like hours to me, I was patient as a kid, but not when it came to chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup and chocolate sprinkles._

"_FOUND THEM!" Soda screamed excitedly._

"_Where in the world were they, honey?" Mom asked, she'd looked everywhere and had no clue where her crazy seven year old had hid his shoes._

"_The freezer, of course." Soda smiled, acting like it was the most logical place to find his shoes, like he couldn't believe he hadn't looked there first._

"_Sowda, why would shoes be in the feewzer, they awr 'pose to be on you foots?" I asked._

"_I put them there because it's hot outside, this way I won't get as hot if my feet are cold." He smiled, this all making perfect sense to him._

_Mom sighed, "Darling Soda, what am I going to do with you? You don't put shoes in the freezer."_

_The gang and my Dad were all laughing, causing Soda to blush slightly. "Brrr, but feels so good!" _

_Mom and I joined in laughing._

Things were so much easier and simpler, back then.

I don't want to get up. I wasn't really tired, and I did want to go and watch some television, but I didn't want to go and face Steve. Call me a coward, but I didn't feel like arguing with him now. I was pretty sure he was going to be pissed at me for either the comment about his dad, talking back, not listening to what he wanted to tell me, or punching him in the face. Crap, there's more reasons for him to be pissed at me than I thought. Oh, and how about the fact he hates me, add that to the list.

I wonder what his face looks like...I couldn't help but grin a little, I knew I had left some sort of bruising, I wonder how bad. Why can't I get a punch like that in when I get jumped?

I thought back to last night, that had been a great time. I'd made twenty-five bucks off a pool game against Curly too. He was so drunk, maybe high, that he probably couldn't see straight. It's practically cheating, I shouldn't have taken the money, but he did agree to it. Plus, all them other guys were watching, I would have felt stupid if I didn't take the money.

Maybe I can get Dar to drop me off at the bookstore on the way to work. It was Sunday and he was filling in for someone from 12-5. Those five hours were just bonus money, but Darry never turns down extra time to work, even though he usually tries to keep Sunday for himself. I wished he'd take a break or could take a break from working so much, but I know he won't. I guess I'm worrying for nothing. Hell I'd even say Darry enjoys working as much as he does.

I might as well go take a shower, if Soda could smell alcohol on me last night, I don't want to risk Darry smelling it on me this morning. Or anyone else smelling it on me. Plus, people who were drinking the night before always smell bad the next day.

I padded down the hall with some clean clothes in hand to take a hot shower. Miraculously, there was still hot water left.

Can I take that as an omen, that today will be a good day?

I laughed out loud, not really a happy laugh, probably can't take that as a good omen considering who is in the living room right now.

The zip up jacket I had grabbed, was probably Darry's considering the size of it. I looked ridiculous, like a kid playing dress up. It reminded me of when I dressed in Buck's shirt and Dally's jacket, they'd been bigger than this zip up.

_I stretched out and used Johnny's legs for a pillow. Curling up, I was thankful for Dally's jacket. It was too big, but it was warm. Not even the rattling of the train could keep me awake, and I went to sleep in a hoodlum's jacket, with a gun lying next to my hand._

"_There were some short explosions right after you all got out. Sounded exactly like gunfire." Gunfire. There went our gun._

_Dally raised the gun and I thought: You blasted fool. They don't know you're only bluffing. And even as the policemen's guns spit fire into the night I knew that was what Dally wanted. He was jerked half around by the impact of the bullets, then slowly crumpled with a look of grim triumph on his face. He was dead before he hit the ground._

I grabbed onto the edge of the sink as the memories hit me hard and fast. Drawing in deep breaths, I glanced at my image in the mirror. I looked pale, I had blueish circles that surrounded my eyes from weeks worth of missed sleep, and I was skinny almost in an extreme way.

Overall I looked shitty, I hadn't even realized it either. Despite the fact I just showered, I splashed cool water on my face. I bent over and felt my heart start to slow down. Why was I the only one assaulted with nightmares and whatever you called this?

Everyone else had kept on going, mourned and moved on, while I was left behind. I couldn't move on. I couldn't escape what happened. I was trapped by it, in my own head, my own nightmares. Steve was right, I needed to get over it.

So then why can't someone show me how?! Why can't I get it out of my head? I wanted to, desperately wanted to. I stepped back and slid against the wall.

They all tell me to move on, time heals all wounds, but it isn't any better now than it was the day they died. Can anyone help? I don't know and I don't know how to ask. I'm a greaser I should be able to deal with all of this and move on.

I guess I'll just have to find my own way to do so, in fact I did last night, I don't need anyone.


	5. Hope, ladies and gentleman

*Don't own _The Outsiders._

(Two-Bit's POV)

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Tonight I am hanging out with my best buddy, Ponyboy Curtis. I was happy to see the kid out and about like a normal fourteen year old is suppose to be. He's been keeping himself hauled up in that house like it's the best place under the Sun. What a strange kid.

I don't know what Darry ever finds to bicker with him about, sure they haven't been fighting as bad, but still. Pony doesn't seem to do enough to get in trouble and he brings home straight A's. Then there's Soda somewhere in that equation, trying to balance it all out, ha it ain't the kid who is weird, it's the whole family.

Oh man, Mr. K would have had a heart attack! I just used math words! And they tell me I haven't learned anything in the last year and should drop out, they don't know what they're talking about. I'll admit, I don't know what to do with an equation once it's in front of me, but at least now I know what it is. I couldn't say that last quarter.

I glanced next to me, looking over Pony. He looked like shit to be honest, well as shitty as he could ever look, he's probably going to give Soda a run for his money when it comes to girls within the next couple years. That will be something to see. I uncharacteristically frowned for a quick second as I saw the dark circles under the kid's eyes, not to mention his clothes were hanging off him.

Personally, I know there is enough food for him to eat at his house. There is always something over there to eat, sure it might be a different color than you'd expect, hell it might not even be in the form you expect (Soda's mashed broccoli, dyed purple), but there is food. He use to eat just as much as everybody else ever did, why isn't he now?

I may not be the smartest guy in the bunch, but I can manage. I'm usually dig people better than they think, I just don't comment all that much on it, unless it's funny. Pony, however, is one of those few people I struggle to get.

I understand why he's having a hard time with Dally and Johnny dying. He'd known them both for so long and Johnny was and will probably always be his number one buddy, so I get that it hurts. It still hurts me some. And, seeing them both die unexpectedly like that freaked us all out. Pone, the more sensitive one out of all of us, was bound to take it all the hardest. I just don't see why he'd quit eating, what in the world is that going to do?

The circles under his eyes were most likely from those nightmares he always has. I have no doubt that they're worse now than ever. Even if he isn't wake everyone up in the house screaming every night, doesn't mean he isn't have nightmares every night. Those circles tell me he probably is only sleeping the minimum amount.

"So, how you doing?" I asked casually, cocking an eyebrow in his direction and lighting a cancer stick.

He blinked and glanced in my direction, "Did you say something?"

I was use to having to repeat myself around him, "Yeah I did, now pay attention." I smiled to show him I was only kidding around with him, though I could have told him a huge long speech and he'd never heard a word. It's happened before. "I asked, how you're doing, kid?"

"I'm fine."

Liar.

Now do I push it or let it go? Of course, if I push it my face might end up looking like Stevie's, but God knows how Steve tried to go about talking to him. Might as well give it a shot. I wish myself luck.

"You sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"You always answer a question with a question. Did you ever realize that? It's one of your annoying habits." I commented dryly, my lips turning into a smirk.

Ignoring my questioning all together, "Want to go and check out Shepard's party tonight? I heard that Curly was celebrating winning a drag race he won yesterday night, his first one since he got out of the reformatory."

"Darry will kill me if I bring you there."

"Don't tell him." I opened my mouth to tell him about the many ways Darry could find out.

"And if he does find out, tell him I brought you there." With that he smirked and started walking in front of me. I chuckled, kid's got a rebellious side to him, always knew it, but he's finally starting to show it off.

Knowing I shouldn't go to Shepard's with Pony, I was going anyway, it'd be a load of fun with beer and blonds on the side.

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(PPOV)

Ow, my...head.

The small amount of sunlight drifting in through the crack of the blinds felt like knives pricking and poking my brain. Not a pretty sight. Doesn't feel too great either.

I groaned loudly. Why am I sick?

"Hey, Pone. You finally awake?" Soda's voice hit me like a ton of bricks and I heard Two-Bit yelling something. I don't know what he said, all I know is it hurt like hell to hear their voices.

I groaned louder, hurting myself in the process. I got way too many problems for a teenager, this is suppose to be the best time of my life and if anything, this is has been the worse so far. At thirteen I lost my parents, fourteen I lost Johnny and Dally, God knows what will happen when I'm fifteen. Maybe I'll cut my throat, that is if I ever start shaving, or maybe I'll start learning to drive and crash into a car, then roll off a bridge or something.

Can I be any more pessimistic?

"No, I'm not awake." My voice sounded hoarse and my mouth felt as if it were full of cotton. It tasted gross too.

"Then how are you talking to us?" Darry asked, his tone telling me he was mad about something.

"I think I'm sick."

"Well Einstein, it's called a hang over. You seen me with one enough times, hell you seen almost every greaser with a hang over one time or another and your saying you don't realize that's what's wrong with you?"

"Huh?"

That's right!

_The party was better than last time, more people, louder music, more craziness, just over all better. Somehow, I ended up with one of the drinks I had last time. It tasted sweet and sour all at the same time. It felt warm in my throat, all I know was it definitely wasn't beer. Can't understand why anyone wants to drink beer, tastes disgusting._

_Note to self: Do not say that out loud around Two-Bit. Do not need a repeat of last time. I physically shuddered at the memory._

_I danced and had a great time, listened more to Curly telling a group of us about some fights he got into. Some of it I had heard, some sounded vaguely familiar, only a lot more exaggerated. They'd probably be unrecognizable in a week._

_(Later that night)_

_I laughed loudly, nearly sending myself face first into the sidewalk. Thankfully, Two-Bit caught me, swearing at me, telling me how much trouble me and him were in. I didn't listen to a word of it. Suddenly, Steve appeared out of nowhere. I glanced around, knowing (sort of), that he had not left the party with us._

"_Since when are you Houdini?" I blurted at him. Before he answered I laughed at the idea of Steve decked out in a cape and top hat pulling bunnies out of a hat._

_I must have said it aloud, "So, I finally know the truth, when you're all quiet that's what your thinking about." Two-Bit was holding in laughter, I glanced at Steve, he obviously didn't appreciate my imagination._

_I grinned largely at him, "Why don't you get that stick out of you're ass, Randle? It was a joke and a funny one too. Lighten up!" Two-Bit could no longer hold in his laughter._

_Steve starred at me with an unreadable expression, "Darry's going to kill you. How much did you drink? Why would you let him drink this much, Two-Bit?"_

"_I didn't see him, I wasn't keeping my eyes on him. I didn't expect him to go ahead and get drunk."_

_As we got on the porch, Two-Bit and Steve helping me, I felt my stomach lurch into my throat. I swivelled, barfing the contents of my stomach up, over the side of the porch. I nearly went over the porch railing with it all, someone's hand grabbing my shoulder to keep me from doing so."_

After that everything blurred together, I know I threw up in the bathtub, but I don't remember getting into bed. Either I passed out or I got in here and just can't remember. I probably just can't remember, knowing my brothers would assume the worse, alcohol poisoning, and drive me to the hospital if I passed out.

I heard Two-Bit laughing along with Steve, "Don't you remember last night?"

"I do now. Unfortunately, I remember the end of the night too. Wish I did myself a favor and didn't remember."

Darry snorted, "Well I hope you enjoyed you last night of freedom. You are grounded for the next month. I told you the last time you got drunk, that if you ever messed up like that again, you were going to regret it." His voice was purposely loud, and hard. I winced as it scraped on my raw nerves.

"I regret it right now."

I didn't have to look at his face to know he was glaring at me.

I'd been avoiding Steve and he'd been avoiding me, yet I know he helped me home last night. Why the hell would he even care? Probably because he didn't want Soda to get pissed if he found out Steve let me fall off the porch or walk into the busy street. I remember not really listening to Two-Bit yelling at me, I had been awfully rowdy when drunk.

How could I be this stupid?

"Pony." Soda's voice was gentle next to me but held a small amount of disapproval. What we talked about the other night flooded my mind. Guilt settled into the pit of my stomach, something I was use to, yet it felt worse since this time because I rarely, if ever, disappointed Soda. I never stop messing up.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I was doing. Hell I don't even remember half of it. You got every right to hate me, considering it wasn't even a week ago when you told me to be careful."

"I don't hate you, nothing you do would make me hate you. You should know that."

I might feel better if he did, or well at least sounded annoyed. But of course it wasn't like that, he was even talking low so it didn't hurt my head too bad. I didn't deserve that. I never feel this bad when I don't listen to Darry.

I guess it's just because Soda doesn't tell me too many things I can't do or have to do, so when I go against him I feel twenty times worse.

"Seeing how you remember what I told you, then I don't got to say it again, but I am going to ask one thing. Why did you get drunk last night, you must have known to lay off at one or two?"

"Well, it tasted good, it wasn't beer, it was something sweet...and I guess the party just got to me. I was just having fun and it was real crazy, and there were all those people and I knew a lot of them and we were having a good time. Then, I met some people that I didn't know. I don't really have an excuse."

"You don't have to get drunk because everyone else is, I have fun at parties without drinking a drop of sunshine."

"I ain't you, Soda." My voice was low and I wondered if he even heard it. He didn't say anything back, just gave me a pat on the shoulder and told me to sleep it off and get something to eat when I could handle it. Things came easy for Darry and Soda, they always seem to know what to do, where to go, they just get everything. Yet I sit here, feeling like a lost duckling.

I'm not like any of them, but I'm not sure who I am either.

I'd heard a hundred million times, read a million books, where there is a character who didn't understand themselves. I've seen it in the movies even more, yet I have never understood how you couldn't know yourself. I get it now. I don't even understand some of my actions anymore. Time changes a person, but my head isn't keeping up with the changes. I think like I always have, but some things I do I just don't see myself doing. I never would have said that stuff to Steve or hit him like I did, if it was a year ago. A year ago I wouldn't have gotten drunk, already knowing the consequences. Yet, I did both of those things within one week.

A year ago, I didn't see my parents, Johnny, and Dally gone either. I'm back to the question I may never get the answer to.

Why did it all happen?

I shoved myself up, going back to my other question. Who am I?

Ponyboy Michael Curtis. A creative, straight A student, who runs track, thinks too much, and is more of a smart ass than he'd thought.

I grinned at myself, surprised how fast my mood swinging at my next thought.

I may not get it now, but I have tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. It might not be fair that I do when some people I love don't, but I have the time. I might as well use it and honor the people I miss while I'm living.

Hope, ladies and gentleman, is a beautiful feeling.


	6. Beautiful Danger

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

Thanks for all the reviews, favorites, alerts, etc. They are greatly appreciated and I hope to continue receiving them! By the way, my last chapter and this chapter are my longest ones ever! (Excluding one-shots though)

(DPOV)

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I woke up at five o'clock, like any other morning. My boss decided to let me have Saturday and Sunday off this weekend, due to the fact I had done a lot of filling in and overtime during the week. I rolled over, hoping for more sleep but knowing I wasn't going to get any. The first rays of sunlight filled the room, I could see dust particles floating around.

I remember one time as a kid, I'd been watching Pony and Soda. It was one of the first times I'd ever been able to watch after the two of them, I was thirteen, Soda was eleven, and Ponyboy was eight.

_I watched television as Soda played with some old toy I'd given him when I'd gotten bored with it. I contemplated what I should make for dinner, Mom and Dad had left plenty of choices for us to choose from. My parents were out for dinner, celebrating their fifteenth wedding anniversary. _

_I hadn't been that happy that I had to miss a small party my friends were all at right now just to watch my little brothers, but it was their wedding anniversary so I didn't complain too much about it._

_Pony was sitting next to me on the couch, starring at the floor. I figured he was tired or something, hoping he might just fall asleep early. I had purposely played a ton of games with him and Soda hoping they'd be worn out later on. That way I didn't have to worry about controlling them and keeping them from destroying the house. Soda was really the one to blame for any destruction that came to the house, Pone may be involved but that's only 'cause Soda can talk the kid into anything._

_He can talk anyone into anything, especially an eight year old._

_Well, I had thought that Pony was just drifting off, but I was wrong. "Ain't it pretty, Darry?"_

"_Is what pretty?" I had no clue what Pone was talking about, glancing at the television was some cartoon. I couldn't really say it was pretty._

"_The little dusts in the sunlight." His small hand pointed to the ray of sunlight coming in through the window, the only time sun came in through the window facing the porch was sunset, when the sun was at a low enough angle not to be blocked by the porch roof._

_I could see what he was talking about, dust particles in the light, you couldn't really see them that well._

_Noticing my confused expression he explained, "It looks like their dancing, so gracey like Mommy said the ballerina was on that show her and Dad had been watching that one night."_

_I chuckled, "You mean graceful, and yeah I guess it does look pretty when you think of it that way." I paused for a second, "It's just dust, Ponykid." I don't know if he heard me or if he was just ignoring me, he didn't acknowledge the fact that I'd spoken. Jesus, dust is keeping him entertained._

_He sat there watching the dust until the sun set completely and no more light flowed through the window._

I stretched as I got up and headed down the hall, my room was the last room on the right side of the hallway. I stopped and cracked open my brothers' door. Both were sleeping soundly. Sun hit Soda's face, putting half in light and half in shadow, his blonde hair was in disarray. Pony was curled in a ball, his nose scrunched up and smoothed out. I smiled fondly, God knows what's going on in that boy's head, even when he's asleep.

(Eight o'clock that morning)

Soda was the first to get up. "Why are you up? You don't have to work today."

"Why waste time sleeping when I can be doing something fun?" He shot back with a large grin.

"Put a shirt on before you catch a cold, it ain't summer anymore little buddy."

He stuck his tongue out at me, downing chocolate milk. I shook my head, and pointed to his upper lip, "Milk stash." He laughed, wiping it away.

I could hear the floor creak as Pony made his way down the hallway. Unlike last weekend, he was sober. I still couldn't believe he got drunk, it's not like he could use curiosity as an excuse like he did the first time. I was mad at him for not listening to me, one of my rules is: Don't drink. Yet, he was drunk as he could be without getting alcohol poisoning. Most of all, it scared the crap out of me. I didn't think he'd do that, I'm not even sure that he thought he'd allow himself to get that drunk, yet he did.

Soda turned on the television, flipping to a weather channel, sixty-five degrees and sunny. Nice, and I got the whole day off. Maybe I could let Pony out of here if he came with me and Soda. We should do something together...the ranch?

I realized that Pone wasn't moving, Soda did too. He just stood there starring at Mom's old piano and Dad's guitar in a nook in the living room. The instruments were there collecting dust, Mom's piano bench had a whole bunch of things on it. Nobody ever touched the piano or guitar, Pony was the only one with enough talent to play either and he stopped playing when our parents died, he played maybe once or twice since then. Soda couldn't still long enough to learn one instrument must less both and I never really wanted to.

An odd expression flitted Ponyboy's face before becoming thoughtful. He came into the kitchen, grabbing something to drink and a piece of cake, grumbling greetings to me and Soda.

I decided to ignore the strange moment that had just passed, Soda did as well. "What do you guys think about going to check out the horses at Red's ranch? The season is winding down, so it won't be too busy. If we find Red we might even be able to ride for a couple hours." Red was the owner of the local ranch, where the horses for the Slash Jay were held. Soda use to saddle bronc, we all hung out there a lot. Even when Soda stopped, we'd go down there to watch Dally compete. *(I don't really know when horse season is, I'm sorry if the timeing of the story and horse season aren't matching up.)

"Hell yeah, that would be tuff!" Soda said.

"Can I go?" Pony asked me quietly.

"I must be going soft, yeah you can come with us if you want. If you don't want to go, you can stay here, you are still grounded."

"I want to get out of here." I already knew he'd jump at the chance to leave the house. The only time he'd gone anywhere this past week was school and track practice, otherwise he was home. Only a week and he was already suffering, he has three weeks left of his punishment and I'm standing by that. He needs to understand I won't tolerate him drinking, especially once he gets his licence.

Arriving at the ranch, all three of us first looked around for Red. We couldn't find him and figured he was riding a horse or something, since he wasn't in the stables and his office still had music blaring from a radio.

It took me a bit to get use to the smell of the horses. The three of us chattered about nothing, catching each other up on little things we didn't really need to know. It was nice, of course Soda was taking his time petting each horse and giving them all a ton of attention. Me and Pone continued down the lines of horses, looking at all of them.

Dally's beautiful, wild, black stallion was still here. Only Dallas was crazy enough to ride the beast, it was a monster despite it's beauty and perfect structure. It circled the pen that held him, obviously wishing for freedom. Dally somehow had won many races on that horse, whose name is Switch after Two-Bit's black handled switchblade he was so proud of. Only Dally could handle Switch, and anyone who might be able to handle him now was to scared to try or thought it would be wasted effort. I don't know why they didn't just let him go somewhere he could be wild.

Honestly, I think Red wanted someone to step up and ride Switch, the way Dallas use to. It wasn't going to happen.

I looked over the horses that had caught my eye the first time I walked through, meeting up with Soda in the process. "Where's Pony at?"

He'd been next to me, "I don't know. Around here somewhere."

That's when I heard it, a gentle humming sound. Me and Soda glanced at one another in confusion. We both headed toward the sound and found Ponyboy, sitting on top of the door to Switch's pen.

"What the hell is he doing? That horse is wild!" I made a move to go and get Pone back over here but, was stopped by a rough hand on my shoulder. I glanced up to see Red.

"Hold it, I want to see what he's doing. How you doing boys? Long time no see." Red continued to watch Pony, as did me and Soda.

Pony sat there, singing softly. Switch had calmed down tremendously since I had seen him with Pone. He held out a sugar cube, Switch came and snatched it from his hand before heading as far away from Pone as he could get.

"No one's been able to do that much since Dal was around." Red commented, obviously surprised and...interested.

"Come on, Switch, I ain't going to hurt you. Don't you want some of this apple?" Pony now spoke softly to the beast. Switch cautiously came up and took a bite off the apple, Pone reached out and stroked Switch's nose. The horse snarled and flew away, all three of us freezing, Pone just started singing again. Slowly, Switch came back up, eating the apple out of Pony's hand. Once again, Pony stroked the stallion, he didn't run.

Switch laid his head on Pony's thigh as he tried to get to whatever Pony had in his pocket, causing Pone to laugh. "You want that carrot?" Continuously stroking Switch, he reached and took out the carrot.

"God be damned, how did he manage that?" Red said in bewilderment.

Me and Soda shook our heads, speechless. We both knew how dangerous that horse was and so did Pony, yet he has the horse acting like a baby.

Only my little brother.


	7. Snow Day

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

(PPOV)

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I'd been sitting out on the porch for the last half hour. A two-hour delay was issued early this morning due to the glistening ice and layer of frost on top of that. I prayed that it would start to snow or conditions wouldn't change so that I could just have the day off. Of course, I had to spend it sitting at home, but today I'd rather do that than go to school.

Saturday it was a perfect sixty-five degrees, now Monday and it's cold enough for snow. Weather can change awfully fast. Saturday was actually a really great time, I liked hanging around the animals at the ranch. You can talk to the horses all you want, about anything, and they don't talk back. Most of them just love the attention. I like making them happy.

I shivered again, knowing pretty soon either Soda or Darry would be telling me to get inside. Darry would then add how I was going to get myself sick if I hung out on the porch in this kind of weather. Then I'll tell him you don't get sick from the cold, you get sick from germs. I'll probably get another week added on to my punishment for being a smart ass.

I can't help what I am. God gave me the talent of being a smart ass, it'd be a sin if I didn't use it.

I wonder how you could capture the way the ice sparkles and shines in a picture, it looked so beautiful in the early morning light. I know I don't have the skill to draw, or paint that. I needed a camera, we have one, only I don't think anyone used it since before Momma and Dad died. I doubt I'll be able to find it before the ice melts, or the lighting changes.

"Hey, kid, ain't you freezing?" I looked up at Steve, I hadn't even noticed him. His breath made a cloud before dissipating and then reforming as he exhaled again.

Much to my discomfort, he sat next to me. I silently told myself to keep my cool, we didn't need a repeat of our last conversation. We'd both been ignoring each other ever since then. "Yeah."

He grinned, "Then why you out here? Let me guess, you and Darry pissed at one another over something stupid?"

"Nah...Look Steve, I need to apologize for the way I acted. I shouldn't have said that to you, I was way off. I just said all that because I was pissed off at you and I guess I'm sorry I punched you too."

To my surprise, he laughed. "Guess you're sorry for punching me? Felt good, huh? I guess, I could have told you what I wanted to tell you in a better way. We good now?" He held his hand out for me to shake.

I smirked, rolling my eyes, I shook his hand. "Best buddies ever." We both laughed.

"You know, all I meant to tell you was take care of yourself, Pony. You got Soda, Darry, and Two-Bit all worried. Did you know that? You got to gain some weight, a good night's sleep would do you some good too, but you can't really help how much you sleep. Or in your case don't sleep."

I was taken off guard, Steve Randle was worried about me. He was trying to play it off as if only the gang was worried, excluding himself. I didn't think I was so bad that Steve felt like he should say something.

I sighed.

"The world is cold and cruel, you know that, you've witnessed it yourself first hand. It's something you need to protect yourself against, no one else can protect you from it. You seen that with Dallas. Your brothers can only help you so far, I ain't saying change 'cause you wouldn't be happy if you did, I'm saying be a little cautious. A lot of people would want to take advantage of a kid like you, Pony."

"I know, I just ain't ready to believe it."

He didn't know what to say to that, it was obvious he thought this out and I just said something he didn't expect. "Come on, I doubt I'm the only one starving." He looked at my rail thin frame for emphases.

"I get it, I'm skinny."

He held the door opened, the smell of bacon assaulted my senses. "Hey Stevie!" Soda waved with a spatula in his hand, bits of egg flew off it. "Oops."

"I let you cook one meal and the kitchen is now splattered with half cooked egg, my counter with egg shells and raw egg, and not to mention Pony's eggs are green. Why would he want to eat green eggs? Green makes them look like they went bad." Darry huffed.

"Pony appreciates my creativity in the kitchen, even if you don't." How many times have they had this discussion?

I shook my head, "I'll eat the damn eggs, Darry," I laid my hand on his shoulder, "relax, it's not that big a deal. I got that two-hour delay, I'll clean the kitchen." I always cleaned the kitchen after most messes, mostly because I got the place spotless. Of course, it didn't stay that way for very long.

"Stevie boy, what you feel like on this glorious morning?"

"Coffee, hot, steaming coffee. I don't know what you're going on about, glorious morning my ass, I almost froze to death walking here from my place."

I snorted, earning a glare.

"Well, it ain't my fault you're a baby when it comes to the cold. Personally, I think it's a good morning because well...I don't see any reason why it's not. Just 'cause it's a little cold, doesn't make it bad."

I decided to comment on this, "I agree with Soda." Steve snorted at this. "It looks nice out there too, the ice glitters the way the sun is hitting it right now." I knew they wouldn't care about that. There are some things, such as mornings like this, they would all have to learn to appreciate. I don't know when that will be but, it will happen one day. Unless, they go completely oblivious to the beauty around them their entire lives, that would be kinda sad.

"Why would I care if the ice glitters or not? It's cold and just wants my truck to not start, and for me to fall on my ass when I walk." Steve grumbled.

"Yeah, the ice is out to get you, Steve. Drink your coffee."

Darry laughed, he didn't mind when I was a smart ass to someone besides him.

"Food!" Soda yelled.

"We're all right here. What are you yelling for?" Darry glanced over.

Soda just shrugged, "I haven't been quiet since the moment I was born. Why would I start now? You really don't make sense sometimes, Dar."

I smiled, "Did you really just figure that one out, Soda? I could have told you that years ago." I decided to play along with Soda.

Darry shot me a glare, my smile widened, and Soda grinned hugely as he caught on. "No, I always had a feeling." Soda, Steve, and I laughed.

"Yeah, haha you are all freaking hilarious, you guys and Two-Bit should go to open mic. night on the strip." He said sarcastically.

"Well, I do got a whole bunch of them, Two-Bit no doubt does, and most people know you...yeah that would be funny."

He gave me a very dirty look, "It was your suggestion."

"Shut up." He growled.

I decided not to press my luck, I really didn't need to add a week to my grounding. God knows the next three weeks will be hard enough to get through. The radio then announced that all schools in Tulsa's district were closed. I would be home all day with nobody around, unless Two-Bit came by, but you never know with him.

They'd never know if I sneaked out and just came home before everyone got off work.


	8. A Day Alone

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

Thanks, again, for the reviews and support. Please excuse grammatical errors.

(PPOV)

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"Pony, what do you say about letting me pierce your ear for you?" I glanced a Taylor as if she were crazy.

"Don't give me that look. I've pierced a lot of people's ears and not one of them have ever had an infection. I wash my hands, use gloves fresh from the box, new clean needle, and clean earrings, I promise. Plus, you know me, I would feel horrible if I caused anyone any harm, I take all preventions. If it got infected, it would be 'cause you're not taking care of it. It would look tuff."

I glanced at her face, bright brown eyes with flowing brown hair. She was right, I know she takes every caution and that if I did go through with getting a piercing it'd be my fault if it got infected.

"Darry will kill me. Do you want me dead?"

Her eyes widened, she thought I was seriously asking her if she wanted me dead, her hand flew to my arm, "Of course not! I don't want you dead! That's the craziest thing I ever heard you say Ponyboy Curtis."

I continued to stare at her, she flushed bright red, "Oops, you were kidding." She whispered.

I laughed at her.

Smile back in place, "Well I don't want to get you in trouble with your brother, but if you really do want the piercing you could always cover it with your hair, it's long enough."

I thought about it, a piercing would be tuff. No one in the gang has gotten a piercing, Dallas had a tattoo but not a piercing. Soda would find out, he'd notice, it was inevitable since we share a room. Darry I could keep in the dark, at least long enough for the hole to be healed, six weeks. Okay, I might not be able to. If Two-Bit finds out I'll have to bribe him into not telling anyone.

There were only a few of us hanging around Taylor's house, it was still before noon. One of the girls, Emily, decided to voice her opinion. I could have really done without it though, she's not my favorite person in the world. "It would look good, Pony. It doesn't hurt too bad." She motioned to show both her ears, each had dangling earrings hanging from her lobes.

"What the hell, why not? Yeah, I'll let you pierce my ear."

A couple minutes later I was in the bathroom still holding ice on my ear to numb it. Taylor got a marker and made a mark where the earring would be, a small fake diamond with a back made out of twenty-four karat gold. I agreed with the placement and I held the ice on my ear for a little while longer. It didn't hurt, the needle felt like a small prick, didn't hurt bad at all.

Taylor has pierced a lot of ears. Girls and some guys, like myself, go to her if they want to get a piercing. The funny thing is, Taylor hates blood. There isn't a whole lot of blood involved in getting your ear pierced but it was still enough to make Taylor squirm. Yet, she kept doing it over and over again, even asking people if they wanted a piercing. Ironic.

Glancing in the mirror, my ear was red, but the cubic zirconium sparkled in the light from the fixture above and through the window. It looked better than I thought it would.

Taylor came up behind me and smiled broadly, showing a row of perfect white teeth, "I think it looks great. Do you? You can take it out and it'll heal up, if you want to that is."

"It is great, thanks. Do I owe you for the supplies?"

"I missed your birthday earlier this year, forget about it. Plus, it was only one ear."

"You didn't know me when my birthday came around." I chuckled a little, I had her there.

"Yeah, good point. Whatever, it's not that big a deal, I only charge people who I don't like." I laughed at this, she was blushing again so I knew it was true.

"Your secret is safe with me."

I snuck out and made it home without anyone knowing, and a new piercing to show my efforts. Wasn't a really difficult feet, seeing how no one is home or has been since this morning so I could just walk out the front door. I guess I can't really say it was all that great then. Maybe if Dar had been home and I left through the window...I can only imagine what would happen if I were caught.

I headed toward the bathroom and moved some hair, taking a long look at the piercing. I wanted to show Soda, but then he'd know I wasn't home today and I don't want him to get in trouble if Darry did find out. I swear he had eyes and ears watching me and listening to me across the city. Either that or he is all knowing and hasn't told me.

Maybe he should sit on the porch and hand out candy with a crystal ball on a card table, telling people their futures for Halloween. He could dress up and everything. That would be a sight, I'd defiantly need to find the camera for that one.

I headed out the bathroom, turning out the light, knowing Darry will be on my case if he thinks I left it on all day and was running up the electricity bill. I went into my room, finding a sketching pad and pencils, I drew. I love to draw. Sometimes things didn't look the way I wanted, sometimes they came out better than I could have hoped for. It was my thing, with no pressure to do well at it, I improved and could work at my own pace. Art was one of the few ways I could just let myself drift away and relax, it was therapeutic. After a while, I was hungry so I made a sandwich.

I looked over to the piano and guitar in the nook, pictures lined the top of the piano, junk all over the bench from lack of use. Dad's guitar and Mom's piano were covered in a layer of dust.

I got a rag, cleaning off both instruments carefully. I put away or threw out whatever crap that was on the bench. I tuned both instruments. I started playing a few songs on each. I missed playing with my parents, I missed hanging out in the living room with Mom, Dad, Soda, and Darry. Soda and Darry listened as the three of us played, all of us just having a good time. Most of the time, one of the guys would come hang out and listen too. Sometimes all of us would be crammed into the living room.

Music was the one thing I had with my parents. It was the only thing. Darry and Soda did a lot more with Mom and Dad, I figured once Darry left for college and Soda was becoming more independent, I'd get my chance with them. My chance to shine with something other than just music. Darry already shined in sports and he did well in school, Soda could fix Dad's car and could always make my parents smile, then there was me in the back round. Always in the back, listening, watching. I didn't mind it, I was never jealous because I always figured I'd get my chance. I wanted to shine in something other than music so badly, I wanted my parents to be proud, I wanted to give them something to be proud of. My parents never saw me run track on the varsity team, but they got to see Darry on varsity football.

I was just waiting for my turn. I never got it.

I didn't feel jealous towards Darry and Soda, this wasn't their fault. It was a horrible accident, a glitch in my parents' fate. I wasn't mad about it either, it just hurt and made me melancholy. I prayed that what everyone told me was true, they were watching. But, I would never get that pat on the back from my Dad, or a hug and a kiss on the cheek from my Mom.

I started playing, filling the unusually silent house with tunes. I was pleasantly surprised to find that despite the fact I hadn't really played at all in the last ten months, that it all came back to me. I let my fingers dance away on the keys of the piano, allowing time to flow away unnoticed with it. Grabbing Dad's guitar, I strummed and let cords fill the room, poring my heart and soul into it, again surprised at the release it gave me. I closed my eyes and continued playing.

I heard a thump on the porch. I opened my eyes, it was five o'clock already and I'd played the day away. I smiled and flushed a little when I realized the entire gang should be around by now.

They'd been listening through the door the whole time.


	9. Window Worries

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

(PPOV)

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It was pathetic. I couldn't even last a week without Darry finding out about the earring. "You are grounded! You left sometime during the day! I know you didn't have your ear pierced yesterday morning! No leaving this house except for school, track, and the library if it's necessary! You disobeyed me by going ahead and getting that damn piercing! Did I say it was okay? Where did you get it? What if it gets infected? Did you even think before you got that thing?" Darry hissed, his eyes narrowing.

I was surprised he hadn't chewed me out when I got drunk, looked like I was in for it now. Can't believe he noticed I didn't have an earring yesterday, maybe he pays attention more than I thought. Steve, Two-Bit, and Soda were all heading out tonight. I could see Soda was reluctant to go. I met his eyes, trying to convey the message to just leave. He got it but wasn't going. It'd been a long time since Darry was this harsh with me. We'd been getting along great over the past few months, and now I've completely destroyed that trust two times.

"Yes I thought about that. My friend pierced it and she took every pre-caution you can think of, I swear. I would never have gotten it otherwise." I tried to stay calm and just answer his questions. I was resisting the urge to yell back at him that I'm not stupid. That might make things worse. As I waited for Darry's response, I think I did manage to make things worse.

"A girl?!" Two-Bit piped in. I turned to look at him but Dar snapped his fingers to get my attention. "What did you do at her house? Who is she? Were you two there alone?" He asked, his eyes narrowed.

"Obviously," I motioned to my ear, "I got my ear pierced. Her name is Taylor Becker and I met her at school. We went to states for track in the same bus, she sat behind me. We weren't alone and even if we were, it's not like we'd do anything." I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice; just because I went to a girl's house doesn't mean he needs to assume we were doing something he doesn't want us doing. The mere thought made me blush.

Darry sighed, "I don't know what to do with you. Should I just ground you for another week? I don't know what good it will do, doesn't seem like your learning your lesson."

"One, don't you think the hangover was my lesson? I do. Two, what lesson do you want me to learn now? Don't sneak out? Do you realize how hypocritical your being? How many times did I watch you leave when you were grounded, or come back after curfew when Mom and Dad were around? Let me answer for you, too many times. Too many for me to count, some of which, I was the one to distract Mom and Dad so you could get yourself in. Sure, I snuck out, but I didn't go out and do anything horrible. You act like I'm a wild, out of control kid. I'm not. Everything I do I've seen all of you do multiple time. I do something once and I'm under house arrest," I scowled at him, not even hiding my annoyance.

He thinks I don't know about what he did in high school or that I was too young to remember. I really wasn't that young and I remember perfectly. Not to mention, I've been around the gang my entire life. Like I haven't heard them talk. What a hypocrite!

"Yeah, I made mistakes and I want to keep you from making the same ones I did. Why can't you just listen to what I say? You question everything! And, I never said you were a horrible kid." Darry retorted, his anger building.

"No, I said you act like I am. I wonder what you would've done with a kid who was a drug addict," I drawled, annoyance clearly showing in my eyes.

"That is not funny." He growled, clenching his fist.

"Technically, you could call me an addict 'cause I smoke." Okay, that was a dumb response on my part.

"Go to your room and stay there."

"Not like I do much else anyway." I walked out, leaving furious Darry behind me.

Shutting the door, I slide down the back of it. I was fuming. They all have gotten drunk; Two-Bit is drunk daily. They've all done the exact same thing I did. I never saw them grounded for a month. Mom and Dad caught Dar once and he got grounded for a week and a couple chores. I do more chores now than he ever did as a punishment and I get grounded for a month. Does he not see this?

He treats Soda and I differently. A couple weeks after Dally and Johnny died, when Soda got drunk. He didn't even get punished. What the hell?!

I walked over to the window, pulling the desk chair with me so I could sit. "Johnny, buddy, I wish I could talk to you now. Wish you could tell me what to do. Let me vent without thinking anything about it," I whispered as I stared out the window

I'd lost Johnny. I couldn't talk to him, he couldn't respond, and I didn't really have anyone to talk to about this. I could always talk to Soda but I didn't want to put him between Darry and I; I knew how much it'd hurt him. I didn't want to talk about Johnny and Dally either. Soda has tried to get me to talk but there's really nothing to say. Nothing to tell him that he doesn't already know.

"Dar, we left him here alone all day with nothing to do. You can't blame him for wanting to get out. Pony hates being cooped up," Soda said.

"If he'd asked, I probably would have said yes. It's the fact he didn't tell me that pisses me off. I need to know where he is, he can't just disappear without telling anyone and think it's okay. I don't even know what to say about the damn piercing," Darry replied bitterly.

"Just give him some space and some time, Dar."

"Soda, I want to but I can't. He's my responsibility and I know he has a point with the hypocrite thing. I can't help it if it's not fair. I never know what to expect from him. I can't let him run wild! I won't let him! I only have his best interest in mind, I don't see how letting him get away with breaking the rules is going to help him at all."

"He didn't do anything wrong. Sure, he got the piercing but I believe him when he says he was careful with it. He's never done anything real wrong; I don't think he needs to be punished," Soda countered.

"I'm going to make sure it stays that way. I don't want him in any trouble. I don't want him to get hurt. I know he wouldn't purposely get hurt but he doesn't think sometimes. Breaking rules have consequences, he'll just have to learn and deal with them. Let me worry about him, go out and have fun. Be home by curfew," Darry advised, practically ignoring what Soda just said.

Darry sounded calmer, I however was not.

The door shut and Soda went to join Steve and Two-Bit.

I slide the window open. Cool night air hit me, I took a deep breath.

No way in hell was I sitting here all night.


	10. Do we ever catch a break?

*I don't own _The Outsiders._

(DPOV)

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I decided to talk to Ponyboy again. I wasn't really mad at him; I was more worried he would leave us and we wouldn't be able to find him. He keeps to himself so much I wouldn't have a clue where to look if he left.

And that earring he got looks real tuff on him, but I'll never admit that to him. I can't believe he did that. He probably was careful with it. Two-Bit said something about it. "I think I'm getting the kid and he pulls this shit off," is what I think he said, laughing.

I think Two-Bit hit the nail on the head when he said that. With Pony, it seems that's always the case. He was easier to understand as a kid, but as he got older, it seemed the more difficult things got around him, the more complex he got. Sometimes, I wish he just stayed as that little kid forever. It would be a lot easier to protect him that way.

Then, he was hanging at that girl's house, Tanya or whatever her name is. I didn't even know he had any interest in any girls here. Maybe he doesn't. He could just have a girl as a friend, which is a weird concept to me. None of us in the gang really hung out with girls unless we're interested. It's just the way we are. Honestly, I hope those two are just friends. I don't know if I can handle a hormonal Ponyboy. If he were still a kid then maybe he wouldn't test my authority so much.

"Pony, will you come out here!" I called, waiting for an answer. I didn't get an answer, so I waited a few minutes, but I still didn't hear anything. The house was utterly silent, I kept the radio and television off when I could, there was no reason to run the bills up.

Still, the kid wasn't out here. He had to have heard me. If he didn't, I need to make him an appointment with the ear doctor. Maybe he fell asleep. If that's the case, I won't wake him up. He really needs to get more sleep, he looks like a zombie.

I knocked tentatively on the door, not getting an answer. He might be mad at me still. So I opened the door to find an empty bedroom. The curtains flowing in the night's breeze.

At first I left the room stunned. The disbelief quickly turned to fury. After all of this he snuck out again! He snuck out again! What is he thinking? Is he even thinking at all?

I began to pace up and down the living room.

That kid is really going to get it when I find him. The question is, where the hell is he? For all I know, he could've left the house the minute I sent him in there. Damn it! I guess I'll have to get Soda or someone who has an idea where Pony could be. But he could come home before that. I should probably shut the window and make it so he has to come through the front door.

Why is he doing this?

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

(PPOV)

I shivered, wishing I had grabbed a sweatshirt from the closet, even if it wasn't mine. You think I would have thought about that when I opened the window feeling the cold air. I guess I was too busy thinking about other things, like always.

I didn't drink a drop of alcohol, knowing if anyone found out I was gone I was going to be in enough trouble without adding drinking to the list. I'm still paying for last time.

I know it wasn't going to look good that I snuck out again. They don't get it. I just want to get away from life and have a good time. I don't think about Johnny, Dally, Mom, and Dad; when I'm out with some of my friends. Even if I go out with just Two-Bit or Soda I feel a lot better than I do sitting at home. Now I'm going to be sitting at home for the next three weeks, if not more.

Darry doesn't understand that this isn't a punishment, it's pure torture. Heart shattering, pain inducing torture. I don't want to think about anything, I have the tendency to do just that, and he's giving me weeks of free time. Not a good mix. Not good at all.

_Vroom..._

Oh shit. I'm being followed.

....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

(DPOV)

"Do you have any clue where he might have gone?" I asked slightly panicked. It was almost one thirty and Ponyboy still hadn't shown up. My gut clenched, something awful was happening.

"No, I looked everywhere. Some people at the Dingo said that he left around eleven forty-five. I don't know where he went after that. No one I talked to knows either," said a bothered Soda. Worry was etched into Soda's frown.

If he left at eleven forty-five, he should be home by now. He would have been home over an hour stomach knotted and twisted even more. I couldn't even be mad anymore, I just wanted to throw my arms around him and make sure he's okay. Jesus, what if something is really wrong and he's out there all alone.

"Don't worry so much, it ain't like the kid doesn't have friends. He's probably crashing at one of their places or something." Steve drawled, half asleep. He wasn't too worried, thinking Pone was at a buddy's house. Yeah, that's something Steve would do but not Pony. He obviously didn't think about that.

"Maybe, he's just having some fun with Taylor," Two-Bit said, cocking an eyebrow suggestively.

"The day Pony gets some action is the day I die," Steve snorted.

"Hey, he's my brother, if he wants the chick he'll be able to get her," Soda said defensively, then blushed realizing what he said. No way in hell was our brother doing anything like that. I glared at the three of them; all of them finding it funny.

I walked into the kitchen, grabbing a cup from the drying rack that should've been put away, and filled it withwater. We looked everywhere. I don't even know what friend he would stay with. Sure, I know what friends he might be with, but after the Taylor thing, I don't really know who he's with anymore.

Should I call the fuzz? He'll get taken away for sure if I have to call him in missing only two months after the Windrixville incident. I don't know what to do. I'm his freaking brother! I should know where he would go. Damn it.

I looked at the clock, one thirty-eight, it was going to be a long night.

XXX

The fucking sun is already up and he isn't here! I was going crazy now, since I just realized something. Pony would never stay out all night and not tell Soda he was going to. He may have snuck out on a whim, but he wouldn't stay out. He knows it would worry Soda. Unless he drank again and passed out.

God, if that happened please let someone be there to make sure he doesn't die.

Despite the fact I hadn't slept at all last night; I was up, pacing around. I think I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom twice already. I called into work, taking a personal day. I almost called for Soda but, he doesn't go in until the afternoon and stays for closing. I won't call yet. Nothing was distracting me, much to my despair. The whole gang was sleeping, none of them were real worried. Well, Soda was but he thinks Pony can take care of himself.

I still have my doubts, he's only fourteen.

"What's for breakfast?" Two-Bit grumbled, barley awake.

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever you make."

"I thought first one awake makes breakfast."

I smirked, "I didn't go to sleep, therefore the rule doesn't apply to me."

Two-Bit sat up, eyes going wide with disbelief, "He ain't home yet?" He glanced quickly at the clock_, _nine twenty-three.

I could tell by Two-Bit's face he was expecting Pony to be here by now. In all honesty, so was I. It didn't sit well with me that even Two-Bit was showing concern for my missing little brother. I know I should call the police station and have them look for him but that would risk everything. If he is all right and is just doing this to spite me, I didn't want to risk everything for that. But, what if he's hurt or something?

Two-Bit stepped on Soda when he got up. Soda swore loudly, waking Steve up. "Shut the fuck up you monkeys!"

"What kind of insult is that, Stevie?" Two-Bit said grinning. "Sorry Soda, I didn't mean to step on you. I didn't hurt you did I?"

"No, startled me a bit. I ain't use to waking up with someone standing above and stepping on me. Is Pony home?" Soda asked.

I shook my head at him.

Soda's eyes widened with alarm. Steve's eyes opened and I could see the disbelief in them.

"What should we do? Should we look for him again?" Soda asked, hopping up. Any hopes of sleep forgotten.

"We have looked, I don't know where to look. I thought about calling the police but that would guarantee him getting sent to a boy's home once they find him._"_

"Hell no!" Soda yelled.

"That's why I haven't called them."

Steve began to say something but the phone rang, I grabbed it, "Hello?"

XXX

"Do you think he's okay?" Soda asked for the hundredth time.

"Soda, I told you what I know. Tim said Pony got jumped by some Socs. He and Curly were walking home and found him. They said he was out cold but got him up. I don't know anything else, except that he's been there all night," I could hear the impatience in my voice, I was just as worried about Pony as Soda was. Soda asking question after question was not helping, and neither are the waves of fury coming off him.

I was going to beat the shit out of whoever hurt Pony.

I hope he wasn't hurt too bad, then again if he wasn't he would have come home or at least called saying where he was. Gruesome images kept filling my mind. I prayed he was better than what my imagination was spitting off.

Soda flew out of the truck before I even had the damn thing parked.

"Hey, Tim. Thanks for all of this," I said, walking into their trashed living room.

"Where is he?" Soda blurted, shifting from foot to foot.

"Come on, I'll show y'all. It wasn't a problem, Dar. We greasers stick together. Plus, I've crashed a few times at your place, I should start paying back the favor. He's right in that room there, Soda. Curly's been keeping an eye on him," Tim jerked a finger toward the door, noticing Soda didn't care about anything he had to say.

Walking into the room, or what seemed like a large closet. It fit a twin bed and a dresser. Somehow Curly had jammed a chair in between the two pieces of furniture. Otherwise, there was a door I assumed led to the closet and nothing else. There wasn't room for anything else.

Pony lied on the bed as Curly thumbed through a magazine. A bowl of water with a towel was close to Curley. Bandages and a few other first aid supplies were scattered on the floor in front of the bed.

Pony had a bandage wrapped around his ribs and another taped to his shoulder blade. I could see some blood soaked into the one on his shoulder. He was laying on his stomach, sleeping but obviously not peacefully. Soda brushed his finger through Pone's hair, I squeezed in next to him. Pone pulled away from Soda's hand and mumbled, "Stop fucking touching me."

Curly laughed, "Wasn't me this time, Pone. It's Soda. He's been cursing me out all night!"

Pony peeked out of one eye and looked up at us, then squeezed them both together tightly.

Tim laughed, "Yeah, looks like Dal did leave a little piece of himself behind. Kid, has some vocabulary."

Pony seemed to have just gone back to sleep, he was so out of it.

Do we ever catch a break?


	11. The Realization

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

(Soda POV)

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"Soda, open the door for me will you? I'll carry him in," Darry said softly, hoping not to wake Pony. The entire ride he muttered around, I couldn't understand a word he was saying. The only thing I did understand was his swearing. He told Dar off good when he accidently hit potholes. It wasn't Dar's fault, they're all over the city and unavoidable.

Shepard wasn't kidding when he said Dal rubbed off on Pone. I thought he was exaggerating but I guess he wasn't. Man, sure is funny though. At least I know whoever hurt him was cussed out good.

I couldn't believe those ass Socs jumped him! Like a couple months ago wasn't enough! Now they're going to start all of this again. My blood boiled; I knew that Pony would be a target. He was too involved with everything. Jesus can't we just all move on? We lost more than they did.

Damn we lost so much and we were still suffering the consequences. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt knowing I'll never see little Johnnycakes or tuff Dallas at my door again; it all happened less than a year after my parents' deaths. A couple months from now and it would be the first year mark since they died. I was not looking forward to that.

It'd be a rough day for all of us. My parents were the entire gang's parents. Pony will probably take it the worse. He's sentimental about stuff like that.

Dar laid Pone down easily on our bed. He still groaned and rolled himself over, probably trying to get some weight off his shoulder. Steve and Two-Bit hadn't left and were asking questions. I ignored them and brushed some hair out of Ponyboy's face, he felt real warm.

He never does good with fevers; he either complains or talks to himself about all sorts of things. In a way it's kind of funny, but I don't mean that in a bad way. I hate seeing him sick, but it's funny hearing some of the things he says. He rambles on and on about the strangest things, asking anyone the weirdest questions.

I remember one time he asked me what the little thing on the end of a shoe lace is called. How would I know? Then he went into a story about a conversation he had about the little plastic things on the end of shoe laces with some kid in his class, apparently he was mad that he couldn't remember what the thing was called. He used to know what it was called and forgot.

Sometimes he'll talk about more serious stuff such as Mom and Dad. After they died, it was hard to get him to talk about them. I thought it would help him if he did. He didn't until he caught the flu and then he finally talked with me.

I suddenly realized he's doing the same thing now. Dar tends to hold in his emotions, but he knows how to deal with them. Personally, I just let them go however I can. Pony is real sensitive about everything, he has to talk things out. Usually he does that without even realizing he is. But, when things get real hard for him, he doesn't know what to do.

I sat on the bed, still ignoring what was going on around me as I had my little...what do you call it? Epiphany! As I had my epiphany about Pony. I already knew he needs to talk about things to understand them, but I hadn't realized that he was probably wondering why everything happened with Johnny and Dally.

He had wondered why something horrible happened to our parents, to us, to him. Why wouldn't he now? I still remember holding him as he sobbed out asking me question after question. He was sick with the flu, only three weeks after Mom and Dad died, and he'd been acting off since they died.

Dar and I basically decided he just needed to be on his own to deal with things his own way. I failed to realized, until now, that he was holding most of it in and really couldn't begin to understand why anything like that would happen.

When he broke down when he was sick, I'd been relieved that he was finally getting over it.

He was doing the same thing now. He was bottling it all up, wondering how in the world something like this could happen; only this time nothing had triggered a real...break down. His mood swings and anger were probably all from this. Though here's the big question, how can I coax Pony to let me in, and talk to me?

He doesn't realize how much he needs us. I realize it. I am going to get him to talk.

I watched Darry as he gently peeled off the bandage to see the damage on Pone's shoulder. Steve and Two-Bit leaned over too, curiously. The cut wasn't too bad, it wasn't shallow but wasn't deep either. The wound was a decent size, stretching from the top of his shoulder down to the bottom of his shoulder blade. Maybe he would get a small scar, but I doubted he would. All the blood on the bandage was just from the size.

Dar grabbed some of that antiseptic stuff that stings. I hated putting that stuff on the cut, it hurt worse than getting the cut itself!

"Soda, will you unwrap his ribs, I want to get a good look at them. I want to make sure they're not broken or if they are, they're not out of place," Dar told me as I grimaced. I did as he asked.

Ugly, multicolored bruises decorated his skin. I was slightly worried because he didn't wake up or even flinch; I had to pick him up to unwrap the bandage.

"Jesus, the slapped him a good one. Didn't they?" Two-Bit muttered.

"Kid will be fine. Don't worry none, Sodapop," Steve said, meeting my eyes. "I know that, but what about next time?" I asked, softly.

"What are you talking about, Soda?" Dar asked bluntly; guess he didn't want to dance around the subject.

"If the Socs are going to start this again, you better believe Pony's going to be the number one target. He's got a bull's eye painted on him," I stated. All of them gave me a pointed look.

"We all now it's true..." I was broken off.

"Of course we do. Nobody wants to admit it. I might as well have a 'kick me' sign on my back," Pony drawled, half awake.

I glanced quickly down at him and cursed myself for saying that when he was in ear shot, whether I thought he was conscious or not. "Pone, I didn't mean it like..." I pleaded.

"Shut up, Soda. I know what you meant. I know you're worried. But, face it, it's true. Y'all always said I'm a magnet for trouble," he said, giving us a lazy, clouded look. He shivered from the fever but didn't complain. He looked thoughtful for a second.

"Can I have some aspirin? I feel like I got hit by a freight train," He asked, softly, his expression still far away.

"Yeah. Will one of you grab the bottle from the medicine cabinet?" Dar asked as Steve left; he was closest to the door.

"How many were there?" Two-Bit asked, eager to hear about whatever trouble my brother got himself mixed into.

"Yeah, tell us the details. Please tell me you weren't pathetic and pinned downed before you could blink. I think we taught you better than that," Steve smirked.

Pony turned his head slowly to look at Steve; I had a feeling the action was painful. But I could see through the fever induced haze, a spark in his green eyes I hadn't seen in awhile. "Oh, I promise I didn't disappoint," he retorted, a wicked smile flashed across his face.

We all leaned in to here his explanation. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of my little brother telling me about his fight. One that he claims, won't disappoint. He sure has come a long way from the kid I knew a few months ago. I hate the circumstances that improved his fighting skills, but hey at least they paid off.

"Well, y'all already know I was out by my lonesome," he began, glancing Darry and I quickly. "I was coming home and I heard a car engine behind me. At first I was a little freaked out 'cause you know it was midnight and I had a car of Socs trailing me. There were five of 'em I counted," he said. Our eyes went wide at his statement. .

"So I went into the park. Ironic, huh, the last time I was jumped and this time, I'm there with a group of dirt bags following me around. Anyway, they got out and the usual insults were exchanged, as is customary in such a situation," at this he flashed another grin. I realized he was trying to make seem like no big deal, probably so Darry wouldn't lock him in and throw away the key. I couldn't blame him, especially after seeing Darry's face when he said five Socs were in the car.

"Well, basically they came after me and I fought, but I kept babbling on as they swung at me. I was thinking about how Two-Bit sometimes talks his way out of a fight, at that point I decided the theory was worth trying. To keep this short, I was basically banged up when I said the right thing. I mentioned Randy and how we talked before. Then how Cherry and I are friends," he smiled.

"One of the guys is Cherry's new boyfriend. He didn't know who I was and didn't realize what she went through to stick up for me, with the trial, the rumble, and everything. He called the others off. Talking and memories saved my dumbass, ironically," mumbling the last part to himself.

I didn't see what was so ironic about the memories part. However, the talking part was ironic, quiet as Ponyboy usually is.

"Wow, so my advice actually worked! Success! You should all listen to me more often," Two-Bit chirped, Pony blowing off the high five he wanted.

"You could have gotten yourself killed, Pony." Darry said so quietly, I barley heard him. He shook his head, starring at the floor.

"Dar, the world is out to get me and I just gotta face it. I can't live my life scared to walk outside my house." Both starred each other down, it became silent and tense.

"Get some rest, Pone. Call us if you need anything, all right honey?" I told him softly. He nodded, then finally broke eye contact with Darry. He looked tired, an odd expression in his usually clear eyes.

I would get him to talk. Whether he wanted to or not.

Whatever is going through is head is tearing him up.

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Ahh...the realization that Pony is suffering not only physically but emotionally. Operation save Pony!

Reviews are welcomed and very much appreciated!


	12. I Can Find Somewhere Gold

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

(PPOV)

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I woke up disoriented. I drew in a deep breath, the smell of home hit my nostrils. I don't know how to describe it specifically, only that it was my house, my family, safety...my _home_. My home where I was safe; shivering when I thought about those five Socs standing over me.

Trying to talk my way out of the fight really had been the last resort, I'd been terrified. I thought they were going to beat me enough I had to go to the hospital, that is if I didn't die first.

I could take on maybe two Socs, but five...ha yeah right. I wish I could take on five Socs. It was dumb luck that I talked myself out of that, I don't have the gift of gab like Two-Bit. One struck of luck in fourteen years, hell yeah!

My body ached with the beat of my heart. I could feel blood pulsing beneath my bruises. Bruises that surely mapped across most of my body. Soda's arm was swung over me, like any other time, but it felt heavy on my sore body. It hurt. Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was four in the morning. I didn't feel like going back to sleep, so carefully I slipped out of bed.

A wave of dizziness hit me as I stood. I reached over and leaned against the desk as the dizziness conceded. I limped my way out of my room, every muscle felt rigid. I went straight to the bathroom for a shower. I stripped down, and turned the heat way up in the shower.

Hopefully, I didn't use all the hot water. It felt so good when the hot water soothed my stiff muscles. I scrubbed dirt and blood off my skin. The cut on my shoulder stung a bit from the water, but I ignored it. When the water started to cool off a bit, I got out. Wrapping a towel around me, I got some clothes out of my closet. I did it as quick and quietly as I could, no reason to wake up Soda when he has to get up for work in only a couple hours.

I knew I worried him and Darry, they probably didn't sleep the night before. Steve was right, I am selfish. I keep hurting them. I didn't mean to, I really didn't. I just had to get out, I needed to escape for a little while.

I love being home, but sometimes I feel like I'm in a prison. Sitting, alone in my room with nothing to do; my thoughts always head in a direction I don't want them to go.

_Suck it up, Pony. You got to face it all sometime._

Just don't want to now, maybe later. You would think writing that paper for Mr. Syme would have been enough. Writing that paper helped a lot, but writing the facts and really thinking them all through are two different things.

I am going to be in so much trouble with Darry. I deserved it. I know I do, after staying out the whole night. I can't believe Darry didn't call the fuzz. I would have thought he'd do that when I wasn't home by two or three. I wonder what kept him from doing that? Maybe they had an idea where I'd go and were hoping I was there? But where did they think I was?

I don't know. Maybe I'll ask Soda later.

I felt better after my shower. I headed toward the kitchen and drank two glasses of water right away. I was really thirsty. I'd forgotten to grab some aspirin when I was in the bathroom so I went and got some.

Food. I was starving and I could not wait for breakfast. I slept the entire day away yesterday, which means I missed school. I doubt there was another snow day. Great, I'm going to have to make up my missing work, and that means I have to go today. I was a little less hungry when I thought about those five Socs; they'd probably be at school.

I swallowed and pushed suck thoughts away for now. I heated up soup that was left over in the ice box. I never ate soup this early in the morning before, but I was kinda cold and I was starving. Toast just wasn't going to do it.

I sat down, the only light was coming in through the windows from the stars and moon above. I wonder what it would be like to be the moon or a star. Watching the years flow by, life go on, beginnings, ends, cultures prosper and die. To have that sort of knowledge, I couldn't even begin to comprehend it. To not just read about something, but to actually witness it.

Would it make someone bitter, or more appreciative of good things?

Always watching but not being able to do anything about it.

Of course, the stars and moon aren't really people. But, I couldn't help but think of that saying when someone dies, they'll be watching over you. If that is true, what would a person who was born during the caveman time think about today? How would they feel watching all the changes that happened over the centuries?

It's just a crazy thing to try to even imagine.

Man if I told anyone that I thought about that when I looked at the stars, they'd want to send me to an asylum.

I can hear car tires screeching and some neighbors yelling, but the sounds are muffled and otherwise it's silent. Silence is bliss. I push the bowl out of my way and lay my head down on my arms. I'm so tired.

I spent the entire day sleeping and I'm still worn-out. It's more than that though. I'm not just physically tired and aching from getting jumped, but just mentally as well. Im tired of the ways things are. I'm tired of all the pain and torment around me. I was listening to the radio once; one of those late night radio things. Someone was criticizing people who do charity work.

I thought the guy was an asshole, I think it's great that people try to make a difference. The guy continued saying, "Trying to save the world sounds like a great cause, but no one is going to do it. There will always be poverty and suffering. Sure, a charity can help a few hundred people, maybe even more, but it won't help everyone. Every time you help someone, you'll come home feeling good and turn on the television and see more pain and misery. Eventually, that's all you'll see. Might as well just accept it and get over it, before it eats you up."

The guy had a point, you can't help everyone. That doesn't mean you can't help anyone though, I guess you'd have to be happy helping those you can help. Some people don't want to be helped or can't be.

The guy was right about one thing though, it has been getting harder for me to see anything good around here. I loathe Tulsa in some ways. There's just bad people here; people who don't care if you're dying on the street corner as long as it's not in front of their house, people who'd rather spit on you than have a decent conversation. It's sickening.

You probably find that everywhere. I want to go to someplace where suffering is less evident. Somewhere you can sit down and relax at the park and not worry about getting killed. Somewhere you can walk down your own street and not worry about getting jumped.

At the same time I love Tulsa. It's where I grew up, all my memories are here, it's where my parents are, my brothers, my friends are. Everything good that's happened to me, and everything bad. Does the good way out the bad? I don't know.

I lifted my head, pushing myself up. My muscles screamed in protest, gym would be a bitch today.

I looked at the pack of smokes on the table out on the porch, debating whether or not to light one. I probably shouldn't, I'll never make the track team if I keep smoking like I have been. Is one of these little wrapped up tobacco cylinders worth not making track? Nope, I threw the almost empty pack on a seat across the porch. I shivered, and watched the puff cloud my breath made.

The air seemed so clean when it was this cold out. I bet mountain air is real fresh like this. I wouldn't really know, I've never been in the mountains before. I don't go skiing like Darry or anything so I never been up in a mountain. Maybe that's why he likes skiing. It's not really a sport that would show off his muscles; real skinny guys ski all the time.

Dally told me he was in the Adirondack Mountains up in New York before. He said it looked real good in the fall. I was surprised when he actually described the area. He'd been in the mountains and went to Lake George with some of his friends.

I asked him what it was like up there and he described it, he was half drunk and in a very good mood so I could actually ask him questions without fear of pissing him off by saying the wrong thing.

It sounds gorgeous up there, I would like to see it sometime. I wouldn't mind going site seeing in New York City either, but I don't think I'd want to stay anywhere that Dallas described.

_Dal..._

It's hard to find good things but when you do you hold on to them. You hold on to them for dear life. You get hurt that way too. I don't really know how much more good I can find in Tulsa. I bet I can find it somewhere else though.

I can find gold somewhere.


	13. Operation Save Pony: Phase One

* I don't own _The Outsiders._ I don't own the lyrics to "Here Comes the Sun," the Beatles do.

Happy Halloween everyone! Please review, I love them so much! Thanks to all of those people who have been reviewing.

(Soda's POV)

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"See you later, thanks for the ride," I smiled as I hopped out of Steve's truck. The truck was going slow enough for me to hop out of; it never stopped.

"Yeah!" Steve yelled out the window, with a lazy wave.

I watched his truck squeal around the corner. It always worried me that he'd get in an accident. I was never worried about getting in the truck with him, it was getting out. What if I wasn't around and he crashed? It's been a fear of mine since my parents died.

I wasn't scared to get into a car, it was watching people I care about drive off. Two-Bit driving drunk or Steve just not being careful. Darry, I didn't worry about too much. Help me God when Ponyboy starts driving.

I grabbed the mail, finding nothing interesting except a car magazine. I grinned, rolling it up and shoving it into my back pocket for later. I headed to the kitchen for a well deserved glass of chocolate milk and a slice of cake.

"Hey, Pony!"

A minute later, Pony came stumbling in. A frown plastered on his face as he limped over to the table, dragging his book bag, he dumped himself next to me.

"Tough day?" I asked, reaching over I rubbed his shoulder a little.

"I got a load of work, today's homework and yesterday's stuff. I'm going to be up all night working on it. I have four chapters of _A Separate Peace_ to read. I hate the main character and nothing interesting really has happened," he complained.

"The end of the world is on its way, Ponyboy Michael Curtis doesn't like a book!" I yelled around the chocolate cake I just stuffed my face with.

I was trying to decide how I could change the topic. I really wanted to get him to talk about Johnny, Dally, and whatever else might be on his mind. I knew the minute he saw the conversation heading in that direction he'd high tail it, claiming he needed to do his work.

I may not be book smart like my brothers, but I know Pony doesn't need to do all that work tonight. I have the entire rule book for the high school memorized. If you have a legal absence then you have three days to make up all your work. Some teachers may say different but I know Pony has time.

Maybe I could wait until he finishes it. Bring the subject up tomorrow. I know I'll keep putting the talk off if I do that. I'll keep making excuses. To be honest, I'm nervous about trying to get my little brother to talk about something I know he doesn't want to talk about. I don't want to piss him off or upset him.

He's going to be one or the other by the end of this. I hate seeing him like that. But, I'm his brother and it won't help him if he doesn't talk about this. If he can't accept his problems, then he needs someone to help him. Who better to help him than his own brother?

No one, so I am going to help him out any way I can.

"What are you working on?" I drawled.

He looked up, his pencil pausing above the paper and the scratchy sound halting, "I figured I get math done with so I can just give it to Dar to check over right after dinner. I was working on chem but, he's going to have to help explain relative abundance because I'm not getting it."

"Don't sweat it, you always get it," I replied nonchalantly.

"Not everything, Soda. Believe it or not, I work for my grades," he starred at the paper as if it were insulting him. I had to hold in a laugh.

"I know I watch you study. How you feeling?" I uttered. Best to start off slow, that way he won't make a run for it. Then again, with that limp I could probably catch him, that is if he can run at all.

"I'm all right sore and a little tired. You don't have to worry I'll be fine," he replied with a smile, a forced smile.

"You're lying, what are you keeping from me?" I said bluntly, "Did any of them Socs bother you at school?"

"No, Soda. I ain't lying, I'm fine. No one bothered me. I didn't even see any of them, they're not in any of my classes. Besides, I can take care of myself," his jaw was clenched and the familiar stubborn glint filled his eyes. That made it harder for me to read him, but I could tell he was more on the verge of falling asleep over his homework now than just a 'little tired.' He was too motionless, meaning he wasn't sore but in pain.

I huffed, "Don't you think I know you a little better than that by now?" I lowered my voice, making sure it didn't come out too harsh.

Pony closed his eyes, his face pale from lack of sun over the last couple weeks. Circles were still under his eyes, even though he slept all day and night. When he opened his green eyes were oddly bright.

"What are you bugging me for, Soda? Just get to your point," he demanded. He new me as well as I knew him. I wasn't cunning by nature what so ever. I knew I didn't have a chance trying to ease into the conversation. Damn, I still hadn't made a back up plan. Is there a way to be subtle and to the point all in one?

"Pone," I said as gently as I could, "why won't you talk to me? You haven't talked to me like you since...Johnny and Dallas died," I whispered softly. I saw his grip tighten on his pencil. His lips pressed together, he glanced at me.

"I don't have anything to talk about." He murmured.

"Pony, don't even think about getting up. I know you can hold out on your homework to talk to your brother. Listen, I know losing them has been hard on you, but you got to talk about it sometime. You need to accept the accident, we can help you. We meaning the gang, Darry, and myself. You can't hold this in or you'll blow," I told him softly.

He gave me a dirty look, "I ain't Dallas Winston. I'm not going to run and piss the wrong people off because I can't pull the trigger myself. The most cowardly thing he could do was commit suicide. It is cheating yourself and everyone who cares about you. No matter what, I wouldn't do that. Also, that wasn't an accident, the entire thing wasn't an accident. Dal knew what he was doing," he said Dallas as if it were something dirty.

I swallowed, "I didn't mean suicide by blowing up. I meant punching Steve in the face, running out at night and getting hurt, sneaking out, partying, that sort of blow up."

"Me and Steve made up already. I was just pissed off and didn't want to listen to him. I didn't really mean that. I said I was sorry about sneaking out, I don't mean to worry y'all. Sometimes I just need to get away so I don't say things I'll regret. I don't see the big deal about going to Curly's party, he just got back and he's my friend. I wanted to see him, getting drunk was a mistake. I'm not going to do anything, Soda," Pony enlightened, a frown etched upon his face.

I measured his expression, annoyance swam on his feature, arms crossed defensively. This wasn't working. Lets try something new here.

"You know, it wasn't only you losing them. Everyone else and I lost 'em too. They were our buddies. I get why you're hurting. I'll admit, I don't know what it's like to loose my best buddy and I hope I never do find out, but I still get it to an extent. Let me in and let it go, Ponyboy," I murmured, hoping he would actually listen. We both starred at each other for a minute, his eyes wary, hurt, and not willing to deal with this tonight.

I decided to compromise with his, "At least think about what I said. Come to me when you'll talk, go to anyone. I'll wait but I ain't going to leave you alone, Pony."

"If you're looking for answers just read the report I did for Mr. Syme last semester. I wrote all about it, everything that happened. Even a few things you may not know." I remember seeing the notebooks, page after page handwritten. I even read some of it, I couldn't finish it though it had been too soon at the time. Maybe I'd give it another shot.

"I'm not looking for answers. I'm looking for my little brother." I said, slightly choked. Damn me, he looked at me confused and questioning, showing me how lost he really is. That just fueled my determination.

I patted his knee, I'd get through that thick head of his. I always do and I won't let him fall over now, he's been through too much. I'll get Pony to talk. I turned back and glanced at his lost look, eyes filled with tears he refused to let fall.

Pony's one of the strongest people I know. He'll make it through, like always. I smiled, hopeful that he'd come talk to me soon, open up, and that I wouldn't have to pester him daily.

I would if I have to.

_Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter  
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
and I say it's all right_

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
and I say it's all right


	14. I Don't Wanna Give Him The Talk

* I don't own _The Outsiders_, S.E. Hinton does.

(DPOV)

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I picked Soda up at the station. I needed to talk to him sometimes when Ponyboy wasn't in ear shot. It seemed that things weren't getting any better with him and I needed to find out what was going on. The best person for me to talk to is Soda.

"What do you need me for Dar?" Soda greeted, smiling as usual. I prayed to God that never changed; that things never got too bad for Soda to stop smiling. His smile can make anyone grin, he radiates happiness.

I smiled slightly at him, "How's work going?" I asked.

"Same as usual. Changing oil and tires, booooring!" He sang.

I laughed, "Your swarm of gals ain't out of school yet. How horrible," I mocked.

He blushed slightly, "Yeah, I live for them."

"I know," I replied, a grin on my face.

We got situated at the table with sandwiches, chips, and a couple Cokes. "What do you want to talk about Darry? I know you've had something on your mind since this morning, since yesterday morning. It's starting to make me nervous," Soda asked, concerned.

"Nothing too much, I was wondering if you talked to our brother lately. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I'm real worried. I don't like the way he's been acting. I don't want this behavior to affect him in school either. I don't like it, Sodapop, I really don't." I shook my head, I was going to go gray if I kept this up.

"Funny you mention that, I've been thinking the same thing. I'm not really sure what all his motives are," he swallowed a mouth full of chips and tuna sandwich. "I've been thinking about him a lot, he's acting weird. I decided to talk to him about it and I did a couple days ago."

Good we're on the same page. I was hoping Soda didn't just write it off to growing up and tell me to leave Pony alone. "What did the two of you talk about?" I asked.

Soda shook his head, "He's stubborn, I couldn't get him to really open up. I remember after Mom and Dad died he just broke down a few weeks later. He never did that for Johnny and Dally, he never vented. It was a lot all at once and I think he's overwhelmed. Pony doesn't understand why all this happened and is trying to think it through. It's taking him awhile. He has too much pride to ask for help, or ask us about it. He doesn't want to bring unpleasant memories up by talking to us." He explained.

I wrapped my head around the concept and I got it. I could see Pony sitting around for hours looking for answers no one's going to get. I grimaced, I hadn't even realized he hadn't ever really cried about it. Mom and Dad he cried for days over, he needed that for Johnny and Dally. The whole greasers don't cry is bull. We all have one time or another, the entire gang sat in our living room the day after the rumble and cried together, all of us except for Pony.

"Did you tell him he could talk to us? We just want to help him." I looked at Soda for confirmation.

He gave me a look, "Of course I did. I told him he didn't have to come to me, he could go to you or the gang, anyone. I don't care who he opens up to, but he needs to talk about it. He needs to accept it," he looked down sheepishly. "At first, I was kinda hurt 'cause he hasn't been talking to me like he used to. That's stupid of me, he's going through a hard time and I thought that," Soda looked so guilty.

"Soda, it ain't a bad thing that you wanted him to talk to you. It's okay to want things the way they use to be. He'll come and talk to you soon enough. He isn't going to go to someone else. When he's ready it'll be you who he come to." I told him, hoping to ease his guilt.

"Yeah, I didn't do that great a job talking to him. He's real mad at Dallas for doing what he did. I think he feels like Dal ditched us or something." Soda grumbled.

Betrayed, I could see how he might feel like that. I honestly think, Dallas would have ended up dead young. He was reckless and it finally all caught up to him. I don't know exactly what made him the way he was, jail, things he saw, the streets, his own family, I don't know.

I was kinda happy I hadn't been there to hear that conversation. These delicate discussions aren't my thing. It doesn't work for me. I'll leave it up to Soda, even though I don't think he's too thrilled about it either. He won't end up saying the wrong thing, even if he thinks he does, he knows how to back track and try a different approach.

"Do you think he's going to keep rebelling like this?" I asked, warily, rubbing my forehead with my hand, my second sandwich forgotten.

Soda thought for a second, "I don't think he ever meant to do anything wrong in the first place. He knows it was dumb to get drunk and he told me it was his mistake. He owns up to it, but sneaking out...I think was a spur of the moment thing. Pone just acted without thinking the second time. The first time, who can blame him? He was sitting here alone," Soda shrugged, "He's not planning it out, if that's what you're asking."

"That doesn't make me feel any better." I told him.

Soda looked at me, "We did the same thing a hundred times, it's like a right of passage or something."

Rolling my eyes, "Yeah, we did it and the rest of the gang I know that. I know it's a little hypocritical of me to expect him not to. If it were any other kid, I would agree. I'm being a hypocrite, but Pony is different. He doesn't do stuff like that."

"No, when he was younger he didn't. He's growing up and wants independence. He's going to want to go out on dates, he's going to want to stay out later, he's going to want to go to parties. Of course, he'll still study and read like he always has, but he's going to want to live a little. It's just that accident last year is making it twenty times harder for him."

"You're right, guess I just ain't ready for it yet." I mumbled.

"I am. I can't wait to see who he's going to date. It's going to be someone I never would expect. I have ideas, but the girl has to be unique. Pony would never settle for someone simple. She's gotta keep his interest, make him read her, keep his attention. You dig what I'm saying?" Soda cocked an eyebrow in my direction.

I couldn't help but laugh, "You've thought a lot about who he's going to date. How come?"

"The minute he shows interest in someone, I am going to set him up," Soda replied.

"You'll have to share your fan group with him. You know that don't you? Two-Bit and Steve told me there are girls who whisper about him already, he's oblivious though." Soda and I laughed.

"It'll be interesting won't it?" Soda grinned widely.

I groaned, he's smart but I hope some girl doesn't step in and steer him in another direction. Two-Bit already has a book of jokes, he's just waiting for the day Pony walks through the door and asks if he can go out that night for a date.

I dread it, I don't want him to grow up. I don't want him to get heartbroken either. I don't want to give him the talk. It was humiliating enough when Dad gave it to me, I'll sure as hell be as mortified as Pony that day.

"We'll just have to wait and see. Maybe he won't want to date until college." I quipped.

Soda laughed even louder than before at that, "I don't know why you don't want him dating. He'll be fine, he won't knock some girl up, he's smarter than that. There's nothing to worry about. But, I doubt he'll wait until college, he's our brother!" Soda punched me in the arm and made a face, trying to point out the fact that in high school I had a new girlfriend every three months. I don't know why, I just couldn't find someone I wanted to stay with.

I shrugged defensively, "The girls I dated always got too clingy."

"Sure, whatever you say, Darry."


	15. Bitter Sweet

* I don't own _The Outsiders_.

Warning: Cursing

(Steve's Point of View)

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I stumbled into the Curtis' house around midnight. Dad was being the charming man I love so much. I got another black eye and a bruised rib to show. I was pretty fucked up. The black eye Pony had given me hasn't been gone that long. Not to mention my rib ached like a bitch.

Evie would surely be on my case for fighting the minute she saw me. I'll have to pull patience from somewhere and listen to her rant until she calmed down enough for me to explain it wasn't my fault. Well, not completely my fault. Telling my Dad to move his fat ass and a bastard may have had something to do with it.

Of course he told me just to go die in 'Nam. He's fucking waiting for the mail man to come with my draft letter. I bet he wouldn't loose that like he lost the water and the electricity bill.

Maybe I just imagined it all, I did hit that wall pretty damn hard. I grimaced at the steady throbbing in the back of my head. Sometimes I couldn't help but ask the unanswerable question, why me?

Without looking around, I dumped myself on the couch. My body ready to feel the familiar sinking feeling as the cushions molded around me, hearing the springs creak slightly under my weight, sounds that meant safety to me. Instead, I was met with something soft over something hard and a muffled yelp.

I landed ungracefully on the floor. I chocked, my rib screaming in protest, bringing tears to my eyes. Holy shit!

There was a moan from the couch. Whoever I landed on was hurt before I got there or I landed on their nuts. I hope I landed on their balls, it's just a lot funnier.

"Why don't you look where you're putting your ass, before you land on someone?" Mumbled an annoyed Ponyboy.

"What the fuck are you doing on the couch? Why aren't you in your room?" I demanded; pissed that he was taking my spot when he could be in his own bed. It just fueled my anger from the encounter with my loving father.

I was met with silence. It made me wonder if he fell asleep already. If he did, it's a new record for him I'm sure. I thought he had sleeping problems. Maybe it's just nightmares, not falling asleep. I don't know, it's not like I pay any attention to what goes on with him.

"I was tossing and turning, I didn't want to wake Soda up. He deserves to get some sleep even if I don't get any. He's got work early tomorrow too, so it's not like he could get a couple more hours of sleep after I get up," Pony sighed.

I closed my eyes, not bothering to move from the floor. It was surprisingly comfortable and my rib was back to a bearable ache.

"Are you okay?" Pony asked me.

"Do you got any aspirin or are you out?" I mumbled, I didn't want to get up for nothing. The kid eats them like candy. I don't know how Darry and Soda are so oblivious to it, but you can go in their medicine cabnet in the beginning of the week and the containers full, by the end it's half empty. Darry buys everything, you think he'd notice he buys aspirin every two weeks.

I heard shuffling and the bathroom door open. He didn't even answer my fucking question! Goddamn this! I scowled as I heard water run.

"Here, two enough?" Pony handed me the two tablets and a glass of cold water. I swallowed both and greedily downed the water, handing the glass back.

He glanced at the glass dubiously, "Do you need more?"

I shook my head, my eyes adjusted to the dark room, so I was sure he could see me. "Naw," I drawled.

"Take the couch, I'll sleep on the floor or somewhere," Pony offered.

Hospitality, gotta love it. He didn't need to tell me twice to get on the couch. He let me keep his pillows and blanket, he disappeared and returned with a new set of blankets and a pillow. He made himself a bed. The medicine was kicking in, but I watched him curiously. He laid layers of sheets and blankets on the floor.

"What's with the mattress?"

He glanced up, "Every inch of my body still hurts, hurts less than it did, but I don't want to wake up tomorrow and not be able to move."

I'd nearly forgotten that he'd been jumped. I don't know how I forgot that. I mean, getting jumped by five Socs isn't a small thing. He was damn lucky that he wasn't hurt worse. Lucky he wasn't killed. How did I manage to forget that?

Especially after having to listen to Soda vent. Soda was positively livid when I saw him, I knew the only thing that could make him that made was something with Ponyboy. I could see the fire in Soda's eyes when Dar put the kid in his room. I couldn't blame Soda for being pissed off, we all were. Actually, Dar and Soda still are. If Pony had known, or maybe he does and won't tell us, who the Socs were, the Socs would be lucky to still have a face left.

Dar and Soda got to be the most protective brothers ever. Who can blame them after the past year, year and a half they've had? Not to mention, I still think the kid knows how to mess with people. He wraps you around his finger, makes you care whether you want to or not. Meaning Soda and Darry just can't stand the thought of their precious little good boy having anything bad come his way.

"You don't know who the Socs were that beat on you?" I asked.

I could imagine the exasperated look on his face, "I already told all of you, I don't know who they are. I've seen them at school but I'm never near them."

"You said they stopped beating you 'cause one was that broad's, Cherry Valance, new boyfriend. Can't you ask her who he is and hangs out with? I seen you two talk in the hallways before." I wanted to interrogate Ponyboy, I wouldn't mind beating some Socs senseless, this way at least I'd have a good reason.

"Do you know how awkward it would be for me to ask about her boyfriend, especially when I have no clue who he is? I can't even pretend and go up to her and ask, 'How did you end up with whomever?' because I don't know his name." He exclaimed softly.

I chuckled, Pony red faced asking Cherry about her love life. That's a good one, almost made me forget I was angry. "Okay, you got a point there. If you see them and me or Two-Bit are around, tell us."

"Deja vu." Pony remarked, dryly.

"Making sure you don't forget," I shot back.

"I may forget things but at least my head ain't in my pants," he retorted.

"At least I know I can get some," I smirked, I'll admit, I enjoy our little conversations every once in awhile. Especially since half of them end up leading to me calling him gay. I didn't have a problem whether he was gay or not to be honest, just if he is I want him to admit it. Ever since getting his ear pierced at that chick's house, I'm starting to think differently. It's just weird that both his brothers had five girlfriends by the time they were fourteen and he hasn't had one date.

"Who said I couldn't?"

"I don't see you with anyone from the opposite sex. They're like an alien species for you."

"Haha, you just contradicted yourself, you just told me to go talk to Cherry Valance." Damn it, he had me there.

"That's what I thought." I knew he had a smug smirk on his face.

I rolled my eyes.

"Night, Steve." I could still hear the amusement in his voice from beating me.

I grunted in response, he laughed harder.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**Readers! I have a new story call "His Broken Heart," please read it. Reviews would be wonderful for both stories and thanks to those who have reviewed.**


	16. The Decision

*I don't own _The Outsiders. _

(PPOV)

* * *

I sprawled out on the couch in the living room. Coach has a group of his best runners come together after school for out of season practices. I love running, the freedom, the sound of my heart beat pounding in my ears, everything else just fading into the back round, it's bliss for me.

Unfortunately, for me, running after getting jumped less than a week ago makes the activity not so fun. I barley came in first, I didn't like that. I couldn't help but smile at how Soc-like that sounded, always wanting and making sure they come in first place.

Well watch out, this Grease is competition. I can be a bit aggressive when I feel like there is competition. That's what motivated me to push my aching muscles faster, beating Danny. It was only a practice but I ran like it meant life or death. That's a little extreme.

I didn't really care how extreme that is for just an off season practice; I still wish I could say I left him eating my dirt. I smirked at the thought of his cocky face in the beginning of the race

"_Kiss my ass, Curtis," he told me._

_We had a healthy competition between us. Ever since track in middle school._

"_We'll see, Danny." I wasn't too confident, I was smarting all over and all we did so far was stretch. That's not a good sign._

_He laughed loudly, "Sure, you're going to beat me. I've seen you the last few days, you've been moving slower than a goddamn snail, all you're movements precise. Everyone knows you got a little roughed up by those dicks."_

_One good thing about Danny was he stood up for those who couldn't stand up for themselves. That included Greasers and Socs. He himself was right in between, he's middle class. Average with everything he does, grades, looks, life. Everything, except track, he's a good runner. But, I have a real respect for him because another thing that wasn't average about him was the fact he helped everyone._

_Nobody, Greaser nor Soc could hate the guy. You could count on him, he was a good guy, and that is rare, so I couldn't help but grin grimly at him. "Yeah, yeah, I can beat you on my worst day." _

_He merely shrugged._

_When he dropped down next to me, I couldn't help but say, "Told you so." We both laughed. I was always happy after a good run._

For the last few days I couldn't get me and Soda's conversation out of my head. He said he was here and wanted me to talk. I don't want to talk about anything that has to do with Johnny and Dallas.

He knows what happened, why isn't that enough?

The pain was always there, the guilt constantly over head, the sadness from losing Mom, Dad, Johnny, and even Dally cloaking me. I couldn't help but be moody and a little depressed with that consuming my thoughts.

I nearly bawled right there when Soda just told me he wanted me back. The old me isn't coming back, I wanted to say. The old me was stupid, and ignorant. Darry was right; I didn't think. I can't go back to that. I can't go back to being the care free kid he wants to see, happy and content with everything around him.

I'm not happy with what's around me, there is so much missing. I'll get hurt if I go back to the way I was. I can't be cold and tough like Dallas told me to be, but I can be more cautious. I have to be, I wouldn't be able to handle something like that again.

Sometimes I'm grateful to the Soc that kicked me in the head. Without that concussion, I know I would've reacted a whole lot different. All that pain would have hit me at once, with the concussion it was more gradual. It gave me some much needed time.

I would have flipped like Dallas, I'm pretty sure. I don't think I'd been as extreme but who knows. The injury had me so mixed up, I didn't understand, didn't believe what I saw was real. I was able to lie to myself and believe the lie.

I think that concussion may have saved me life.

Too bad Sodapop completely kicked that Soc's ass. I feel like I owe the Soc a thank you. If I went near him now, he'd probably try to get me back. Payback is a bitch and always guaranteed around Tulsa.

Soda and Steve are the only ones who have had the balls to talk to me about anything having to do with Johnny and Dallas.

Two-Bit won't bring it up without me talking first, he's great like that. Also, I know losing them hurt Two-Bit a lot. He may be tough, but he has a soft side.

That's why I could never talk to him. It would hurt him to talk about Johnny and Dally, not to mention he's not that great for spilling your guts to. He'll try to make a joke, his only way of coping with this harsh life. That joke would probably rub me the wrong way and piss me off.

Two-Bit is not someone I would go to talk to. Just wouldn't work.

Darry won't bring it up either. He'd wait for me to say something first. It's not like I can't hear him and Soda talking, he thinks I need time. He's there for me, I know that, but Darry is Darry. He gets all awkward in emotional settings. He's the tough rock that'll hold you when you break down, and catch you when you fall, but talking isn't his to him would be extremely uncomfortable for him, therefore me too.

Darry's out.

See, that's why Darry and Soda make an impressive team. Dar is good at comforting my putting a hand on your shoulder or giving you a hug, believe it or not. Soda's good at that too, but he knows what to say to get you to spill your guts. I don't know how I didn't the other day, maybe Soda's right. I am stubborn.

Me and Steve have been getting along a lot better. After our altercation, we cannot only tolerate each other, but have decent conversations. We both understand losing people hurts, I think we both realized to hold on to those around us a little tighter. This leading to our improved friendship.

I'm actually happy about that, now he doesn't seem like such an ass. I no longer hate him. I never understood how a person as great as Soda could stand someone like Steve Randle. I get it now. Steve isn't that bad, once you learn how he is.

Still, it's not like me and him are best buddies either. I would never even consider talking to him about my problems. Therefore, he's out.

The only person I can really talk to is Soda. I still don't want to talk though; I'd just only talk to him if I wanted to talk to someone about Johnny and Dally.

I got up and headed into my room. I kicked aside shirts and other clothing Soda had thrown across the room from when he was deciding what to wear this morning. Apparently, today was a purple day. He had to dig through everything to find a purple shirt, I didn't even know he had.

Now our room looks shitty. Darry will be on our case later. Soda will agree to cleaning and keep putting it off until I clean the mess. I don't need Darry on my back or Soda's. Dar gets ticked at the smallest things, such as a dirty bedroom.

I opened the draw to my old wooden desk. The desk use to be Darry's, you can still see where the entire gang had written all over the oak in permanent marker. We would have to drag the desk outside, sand it, and then stain it, in order to get rid of the markings.

They didn't bother me, but I know the writing and other nicks on it bugged Darry. I told him I wanted to keep it the way it is, I could still remember the night years ago when we all sat there and wrote all over the desk, in Darry's room.

My childish chicken scratch went from a huge P to a small y, where I signed my name. I couldn't help but smile at that. The handwriting was horrible, my b was written as a d. I shook my head and chuckled softly at myself. I remember how proud Dar was when I wrote that all by myself.

I took out the paper I had written for My. Syme. I had titled it, _The Outsiders._ The reason why is because that's exactly what me and Johnny were around here. Well what Johnny was and I still am. Neither of us fit in the greaser mold, we are certainly not Socs, not rich enough to be middle class, we were just us, just outsiders.

For the next couple hours I began reading through the book. Certain parts I could still feel the phantom sting from the emotional or physical assaults. The fresh taste of fear when I woke up without Johnnycakes by my side in the church.

I was able to finish reading the notebooks, before Darry or Soda came home. I don't know why I read it_. _I guess I thought it would help. I feel...upset, but in a good way. After the initial painful blow a surge of peace swept over me.

I wonder if just going back and seeing where it all happened would help me. If I went back to the movies, then the park, back to Jay Mountain. If it gives me this feeling of peace, I'm willing to go through some pain to get it.

My decision was made, I needed to go back. I needed to go to each place and go through it all step by step.

I'll go through hell if at the end I'll feel like this. I hadn't felt anything but the pain, guilt, and depression in so long. I'll give it a try this weekend.

One thing for sure is I need to keep this to myself. My brothers can't be my crutches for the rest of my life. I hope Darry will let me out, if not I'll just sneak out again. I need to do this for myself, not worry about whatever punishment Dar will fish out.

Most importantly, I need to do this on my own.


	17. Danny's House

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

(PPOV)

* * *

I woke up earlier than I usually do on a Saturday morning. That's because I have a lot to do today. I was going to start at the movie house, head to the lot for awhile, the park, and I was going to catch a bus to Winderxville.

I'm nervous about heading to Winderxville. I called Danny, seeing how he's a nice guy, to use as my cover story. He agreed, I didn't tell him about leaving town, just that I needed to get out and I wanted to use him as an excuse.

I'm hoping at breakfast, I'll be able to convince Darry to let me go to "Danny's house." I don't want to lie to Soda or Darry, but in order for me to do this, I need to go on my own, it's necessary. I feel horrible about leaving Tulsa without telling them.

Every time I feel like that I just remind myself of that sliver of peace. It was pure bliss. Yes, I need to do this for myself, and I need to do it on my own. I can't have them with me or I might chicken out.

If anyone were to come, I won't let myself think about what happened. I'll block it out like I've been doing for months. The only way I can get through this is if I do it by myself. If Soda and Darry find out somehow, well I'll tell them the truth.

They'll be mad but they'll forgive me. My brothers are too good for me, but I love them. I think if they find out, in time they would understand. Even if they don't understand, they'll learn to respect that I made the decision due to what I needed.

This is exactly what I need. Over the last couple days, since I made the decision to go through with this mini adventure, I've become more confident that I doing what is right. It won't seem right to other people, but for me it is right.

I've felt so much lighter the last couple of days. I'm terrified about reliving some of these memories. Reading what happened on paper is different than seeing it right in front of you. I wonder if Winderxville has cleaned up the burned remnants of the church.

That will be the hardest part of this. Going to Jay Mountain. I can still hear Johnny's scream clearly in my head. I'd do anything to forget the terror and agony in his voice. Why couldn't that concussion given me permanent amnesia?

I wouldn't have this problem then.

I showered and dressed, checking my face for a hint of facial hair. I was pleased to see some. Maybe, I'll start shaving soon. If I start shaving when I'm fourteen, that'll be before Soda.

Darry started shaving at thirteen. I already hit that mark and left it dangling behind me, so I may have to settle for second place. That would be nice since I'm always in third, dead last, when it comes to my brothers. Of course Darry's always first, can't have it any other way.

I'm getting ahead of myself though, I don't have enough hair to shave...yet. I couldn't help but smile at that. Hanging around with the gang, when the second youngest was still two years older than me, it made me want to grow up a little faster. The past few months the only people I've been hanging out with are Soda, Darry, Two-Bit and Steve. Steve's the youngest at seventeen.

Hell yeah, I want to be able to shave. I don't like being the kid. I'll always be the youngest, I can't change that, but I wouldn't mind at least not having to act like the youngest. That's why facial hair is such a big deal to me, it represents a bigger picture.

Shaving will push me one step up from kid.

"I heard you in the shower. What are you doing up so early on a Saturday?" Darry asked, his eyes looked me over. "Dressed and ready to go too. You know it's only eight in the morning, right? Or did you loose your clock somewhere in that mess that is supposedly your room?" He asked sarcastically, not pleased with the state of out bedroom. No surprise there.

I rolled my eyes, "That mess isn't my fault. And you know the clock is on the desk, plain in sight, so yeah I know it's early."

"Did you think you had school or something?" Dar responded, curious as to why I was up already. Everyone knew that if I'm asleep in the morning, to leave me alone. I hate getting up, usually because I can't sleep well during the night. It makes me grumpy first thing in the morning, unfortunately for Darry and Soda who have to wake me up.

"No," I said, rolling my eyes. "Darry, can I go out today?" I pleaded. Dar may have to be the guardian but he always becomes putty when I plead. I don't use it that often, it's my weapon for when I really want something.

Today is one of those rare times I am going to plead to Darry for something.

He sighed, "Ponyboy, you know you're grounded."

"I know, I know, but I really am sorry and I know I made some wrong decisions." I fought off a wince, considering I was trying to leave Tulsa today. Darry and the rest of the gang would consider that a bad decision.

I felt horrible for trying to deceive him like this.

"Pone, I know you know what you did was wrong, but I'm trying to show you that there are consequences. You have to deal and follow out those consequences. Pleading won't sway a judge if you get arrested for a DWI or something else." Darry said softly, yet not yielding.

I bit back the angry retort for that. Any greaser knows that there are consequences and that they're usually worse just because we live on the wrong side of the tracks. I've spent the last few months living with the consequences due to my mistakes.

I do not need a lesson. He means well but I don't need this.

Soda walked in yawing, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He looked at us and sensed the obvious tension that just drifted into the room. "I ain't even had a glass of chocolate milk yet. What in the world can you two be arguing about already? Pony, why you dressed already, you know its Saturday right?" Soda asked, glancing between the two of us in confusion and exasperation.

I huffed at the question Dar had just asked me. "Yes, I know it's Saturday!"

I turned my back to Soda and faced Darry again, "Come on, Darry, please. I just want to go hang out with Danny. You met him before, the kid from track. He gives me a ride home sometimes. I just wanted to hang out with him today. He invited me over and I told him I talked to you. Let me out for a bit," I hopped in place some, trying to convey to him how bad I wanted out of this house.

He sighed, "I don't think so, Pone."

Darry didn't sound as sure as before, I could tell he was wavering. He just needs a little push, and it came.

"Aw come on, Dar. I can't believe you've held out on this punishment for this long. When were we ever grounded for a month? Two weeks was a big deal for both of us. Let him go out for today. What are you two planning to do?" Soda turned his attention to me.

I kept my eyes on Darry, even though I was answering Soda's question,"Hang out, maybe go for a run. Movies, the Dingo, I'm not sure. I know his Mom will insist having me stay for dinner. I'd be home by curfew at the latest. I'll probably be back before then, please," I begged.

I could see Darry thinking it over, he was still looking unsure. That surprised me, he usually gives in sooner.

He is so stubborn! I kept the pleading face on, not wanting to show my annoyance and panic underneath. I didn't want to add sneaking out for a third time to the list. I was breaking enough rules without that too.

Darry searched my face, "Fine you can go with Danny. You better be home by curfew, try to get home before then. I'm taking a late shift tonight to help my boss with some paperwork. I'm hoping it may lead to an office job, instead of roofs all day."

I smiled, "That would be nice if you got a managing job, you'd be good at that." You only did paperwork at Robinson's Roofing if you were moving up to a managing position. You got to sit in air conditioning to do paperwork and order the needed supplies, then you watched the work site you're assigned to for a bit. Better than being on top of the roofs sweating all day.

"What do you mean by that?" Dar grumbled, catching onto my double meaning.

"You're good at bossing people around." I laughed. He shook his head, punching me softly in the shoulder, but couldn'e keep the smile off his face.

* * *

**Reviews are welcomed. **

Thanks to those who have been reviewing, alerting, favoriting and all that great stuff. I appreciate it so much. Keep it up. You all might want to check out my Darry love story called "His Broken Heart." Please excuse typos.


	18. Pain Becomes Peace

* I don't own _The Outsiders_

(PPOV)

* * *

As I called to my brothers goodbye, I couldn't help but wonder if I really had the guts to go through with this. The test wouldn't be in the city, I knew that. I passed the lot and movie house everyday. The park will be a little more difficult.

I've already been to the movies since I went with Dal and Johnny. It wasn't too bad, though I haven't wanted to go as much as I use to. I only went if there was a movie I wanted to see real bad, there hasn't been lately. When there is one though, I'll go.

I didn't spend much time there. I moved onto the lot quickly. I sat down and looked out across it. The good memories out weighed the bad here.

Saturday football games with the gang that sometimes included Dad. Mom would cheer from the sidelines, never choosing sides. Afterwards we would go home and Mom would cook an army's worth of food.

Good thing, 'cause we usually ate it all.

The lot was also where me and Johnny would sit and spill our guts. I remember multiple times when Johnny talked about just killing himself. I was terrified that one day he would do that. It made me sick to my stomach that I might loose my best buddy at his own hand. I knew he was capable of doing it too. If he made up his mind then he would do it. I'm glad he never did.

To think I spent all those years telling him that the gang loved him, that I cared about him, that killing himself was crazy talk. All that effort and time spent here trying to convince him he was worth something and I ended up being apart of his death. I ran that night and dragged him to the park, if I hadn't he would still be here. I was the one who chose to go into that church and he followed me, I led him to Death's door.

I make myself sick.

Then the rumble. Dallas coming and still kicking Soc ass with a burned arm. I was proud of all the guys who fought that night.

The greasers won, the socs can't say that. The rumble was pointless though. Sure, we got bragging rights but it didn't change anything. We're still at the bottom, we still fight for everything we have, work for every cent. They still have mustangs, job offers, Mommy and Daddy's credit cards, and are at the top.

No rumble is going to change that. We hurt the Socs' pride but we didn't do any real damage to them. Just something we all gotta except; we gotta do more than schedule rumbles and win a couple fights.

I got up, leaving the lot behind me. I looked at the street signs, Pickett and Sutton. The wind whipped through my hair, brushing the back of my neck. Despite the fact I wore a jacket, a shiver still ran through my bones. I wasn't sure if it was so much the weather as the place.

I hadn't been back to the park at all. It wasn't a place where I wanted to be. Ever since the murder had happened, not too many people wanted to take their kids here. Not even during the day.

The swings squeaked as they swayed, the old monkey bars were rusting away. A couple benches were missing wooden planks from the seat, creating large gaps that some people would just fall through.

The fountain, the fucking fountain was closed off. Water no longer ran from the top and pooled in the bottom. I realized the reason why was because a large chunk was missing in the side. Someone purposely chopped at it in order for a piece that big to crumble.

The debris was cleaned up for the most part. On the side in black spray paint was a slogan I've seen around Tulsa many times: Greaser Pride. Under that someone else wrote: Where the fuzz at when one of our own is getting drowned!

I shuddered at the memory:

_Being held under the icy cold water against my will. _

_My lungs burning for oxygen that wasn't coming. _

_Sucking in the water, making my lungs scream in protest. _

_Icy needles prickling my body._

_Fear..._

_Hopelessness..._

_Darkness..._

The darkness had been welcomed at the time. It was a blessing. An escape from the fear. I really thought they were going to kill me.

You hear about kids getting jumped all the time. Most of the time you don't think twice about it. Most greasers will grumble about how unfair it is, how low, but what can you do about it. The answer is nothing.

We can't do anything, but if the right people started to think about what it feels like to be that helpless and terrified, maybe something would get done. If Johnny hadn't been that scared, he never would have pulled that blade.

If those Socs had understood how we felt at the time, I bet they wouldn't have jumped us. I don't think they're that sadistic, thought some greasers may argue otherwise. If only people understood how it felt, maybe we wouldn't have so many problems.

The problem is no one understands. They don't sympathize because they can't. They never went through anything like that. They won't get it until it happens to them. I could never wish something like this happening to anyone, even someone I hate.

I drew in a shaky breath, revealing in how hard today was going to be. I was not going to chicken out. I got this far, I was going to Windrixville.

"Hey Pony, how are you son?" Joe greeted. He's been driving buses in the system since I was a kid. I still don't have a clue what his last name is, but we talk anyway.

"Alright, sir. What are you doing driving this route?" I asked him.

"The guy who usually drives it, his wife is in the hospital. I'm working over time." He smiled kindly at me, wrinkling with laugh lines.

"Lucky you." He just laughed.

A good thing about Joe is, he doesn't ask questions. He doesn't pry, saying it's none of his business. The bus was mostly vacant by the time we were heading towards Windrixville. I was happy that Joe stuck to his motto so far.

I figured the others on the bus must be visiting family or something. There isn't really much out here. I watched the country land roll by. It was peaceful, a contrast to how I was feeling. The farther we got from Tulsa, the more nervous and sick I felt.

I was afraid.

I don't know if I can handle this.

What if this was a bad idea?

I shook my head, I made the decision and I was going to stick with it. I have to do this on my own and I got all the way here by myself. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...hopefully.

Some pep talk.

The ride was a few hours by bus. My bottom hurt from the seat by the time we arrived at the stop. Joe stopped me by touching my forearm, "I'll be heading back in an hour. You going to be here?"

I nodded. I could see the understanding in his eyes. He knew what I was doing, or at least got where I was going. "I'll see you then, I can't wait long for you if you're late. The next bus after that is tomorrow, you hear?"

"Yes, sir. I'll be here." I confirmed, quietly.

He flashed a reassuring smile and let me get off the bus. As soon as I did, he disappeared, probably going to a gas station or to find some food. I was hungry, but too nervous to get anything down.

I started the long walk up the mountain road. Dead leaves littered the ground, some still iced over from the last snow storm. I stuck to the inside of the road, watching my footing. I didn't need a three hour bus ride in wet pants if I fell.

Once at the top, I scanned the area. You could see the entire town from up here. I made my way over to where the church once stood. The church that had been my home for a week. All the wooden parts had burned away and black ash littered the ground.

The site hadn't been cleaned up yet. I figured it was too hot in the summer and had gotten too cold too quick. The town people probably volunteer to clean it up and it can't be of much importance. The church had been abandoned, I don't think anyone was planning on building up here. You can't even get a car all the way up here, much less any equipment for building.

The stone floor had cracked from the heat but was still recognizable in some parts. I walked through the dirt and soot, knowing exactly where me and Johnny slept, where we played poker, where we found those kids...

Something shiny sparkled in the side of my vision. I walked over and picked the object up. It took me a minute to realize what I was holding.

Basically, a ball of melted metal, it was the gun. The gun Dally had handed to Johnny at Buck's that night for protection. The gun that fired due to the heat, scaring those little kids.

"_There were some short explosions right after you_ _all got out. Sounded just exactly like gunfire."_

Pain, loneliness, depression, anxiety, fear, love, and hate flooded through me. A sob broke through for the first time in months. I sank to my knees, not caring if my pants got dirty. I cradled the piece of metal in hands.

I cried for everyone I loved, everything I lost, everything I wish was different.

As I headed back, the melted gun in my pocket, I knew I'd made the right decision.

* * *

The real healing has begun.

Thoughts, comments? = reviews

Excuse typos.


	19. Did you kill some grandma's cat?

*I don't own _The Outsiders._

Warning: cursing.

(Steve's POV)

* * *

I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I drove away from Evie's house. We had the whole place to ourselves. Her parents went out for their anniversary. We decided to celebrate ourselves.

I was in deep with Evie, but I surprised myself by actually enjoying that. Before I met her, I never really saw myself staying with one girl and being happy. A relationship just wasn't my thing.

At least that's what I thought until she said, "Let me show you how good a relationship with me can be, Stevie. Being there for each other and having fun. We're already doing that, lets just make it official. I ain't asking for marriage here," I had glanced up into those pools of melted chocolate and couldn't resists.

I figured if I didn't like the relationship thing, I could always get out. She had an idea of what she was signing up with. Those first couple weeks we spent getting to know one another we're great, so I decided to give it a shot.

I think it is one of the best decisions I ever made. I love her. She just makes sense and the whole relationship thing was easy with her. Evie makes me happy, I can't ask for anything other than that.

A bonus is she's real pretty. Her dark almost black hair, those haunting chocolate eyes, and red lips that would make any girl jealous. She's sexy and beautiful, she's the first girl I ever thought was beautiful.

Evie is known for gossiping and some people don't like her for it. But, when she cares about you, she'll keep her mouth shut about your business because she respects you. I never thought someone could be beautiful on the inside too, but Evie shines.

I don't know how else to describe it. Every time I see her my heart kind of skips a beat. I had heard other people say that before and I thought it was all bullshit, but I guess it's not. Once again, surprisingly, I'm okay with that.

I'll admit when Soda had pointed out how much time I was spending with Evie, and Two-Bit starting making jokes about how I was in love, I freaked out a little. The idea of being held to a person scared me.

I saw what happened to Soda when Sandy left him. Soda loved that girl so much. I can't believe Sandy let something so good go. The fact that Evie could do the same to me, without me seeing it coming, scared me.

I saw Soda after he talked to Sandy and she told him she was leaving. It hurt him deep. I don't want that to happen to me.

I remember the day my Mom left me and my Dad. I already know what it's like to loose someone I love. It happened to me again a few months ago with Johnny and Dally. I even felt a sting when Mr. and Mrs. Curtis had passed.

I knew if I let myself fall for Evie, which wouldn't be that hard, there was a possibility of me getting hurt. I didn't want it. Evie's smart though and gave me the room I needed. After a couple weeks she came up to me, telling me she understood what my problem was.

She knew I'd been around heartbreak, and understood I didn't want to get hurt. She basically talked me into hanging with her because she told me how she felt when we had kissed a couple weeks ago. Evie admitted she thought about it a lot since then. And of course, she told me how great the relationship could be, and I decided to believe her.

Her honesty and courage to actually tell me her feelings won me over. I admired the fact that this greasy girl would stand here and tell me how she felt. She wasn't playing me and she wasn't trying to manipulate me or anything. She was telling me the truth.

I knew I didn't want to stay away after that. It's been a whirlwind since.

Who would have thought, Steve Randle in love?

I was driving to Soda's house, hoping we could go hang out tonight. I wanted to go hang out and watch the drag races. I didn't want to go by myself. I was going to go and scrounge up Sodapop and Two-Bit.

The beams of my headlights lighted a lonely figure walking in the same direction I was heading. I knew that string bean, "Hey, Pony!" His head snapped up at the sound of his name.

I slowed down and stopped next to him, "Come on, I'll give you a lift home," he nodded and walked around slamming the door once he was in. I didn't wait for him to get his belt on. I just peeled off into traffic again.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked.

He glanced over at me, "Just walking home," he responded, quiet as ever.

"Aren't you grounded. Don't tell me you snuck out again, your brothers will kill you. Darry may even kill you and bring you back to life so he can kill you again."

He laughed, "Naw, he knew I was out. I asked if I could. You're right, I'm grounded but I talked him into it."

"Manipulator."

"Yeah, I guess I am," he murmured.

I was surprised he agreed with me. I looked at his face and he looked...guilty.

I groaned, "What the hell did you do today, Ponyboy? You look guilty. You'll never get past you brothers with that look on your face." I pointed out.

He looked like he was debating to tell me or not. I couldn't blame him for not wanting to, I never treated him like a prince.

He sighed and glanced sideways at me, "I told him I was going to hang out with my friend Danny, but I didn't go there. I went to Winderixville," his voice got so quiet at the end I thought I heard him wrong.

I never though Pony would voluntarily go to that place again. We were at a red light and I gave him my full attention, "You're fucking me right? You didn't go to Winderixville, no way in hell," I shook my head.

"I had to, Steve. I don't expect any one to get it, but I had to go for myself," there was no regret in his voice.

"Okay so you don't feel bad for going to Winderixville. Then why do you look like you killed some grandma's cat?"

"I don't like lying to my brothers," he said simply.

"They would have brought you themselves if you wanted to go that bad. You left fucking Tulsa without telling anyone, are you stupid?" I demanded.

There's obviously something wrong in that head of his.

"I know that. I needed to do it on my own. I don't expect you to get that. I did what I had to. I don't need to defend myself to you," he said, clenching his jaw stubbornly.

I shook my head, "Thank God I ain't Darry."

"Are you going to tell them?"

"No, but I bet you will."

"Why do you think I would do that. I'll get grounded for the rest of my life!" He grumbled.

"'Cause you tell Soda everything," I said. He would end up telling Soda for sure. The kid's guilt will eat him until he does.

He didn't say anything.

We both headed inside. I grabbed Soda and Two-Bit telling them we were going to the drag races. Both agreed.

I wondered if Pony would tell Soda. There was a little bit of doubt in me. A part of me told me I should tell Soda and Darry, yet at the same time I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Whatever Ponyboy was doing in Windrixville, it was obvious he needed it.

Despite the guilt, he looked better than he had in months. Lighter somehow.

I'll see how it plays out.

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Isn't that sweet with Steve and Evie? Deep down Steve cares!

Reviews would be lovely.


	20. Epilogue

*I don't own _The Outsiders_.

Wow, I can't believe I started this story thinking it may be a quick one or two shot about Steve and Ponyboy's relationship. It turned out to be twenty chapters, I never thought I had the ability to do this. Thank you all for following my story, and giving me a chance.

(PPOV)

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Epilogue

I ended up spilling my days adventures to Soda and Darry. It hadn't been completely voluntary. Soda ended up finding the melted gun and somehow recognized what the metal really was. He, in return, showed Darry.

Somehow, this got to Two-Bit and Steve. I was then subjected to lectures from all of them. Some about the dangers of guns, which now looking back, it's pretty amusing. I was also lectured about girls. Two-Bit took the time to describe the different types of girls and which types will get me in trouble.

To say the least, the lecturing lasted a long time. My brothers were the most concerned about my recent behavior. Steve continued sending me looks, telling me to come clean about the destroyed remnants of the gun Dally had given me and Johnny a few months back.

In many ways I feel like that was a lifetime ago.

I was finally given the chance to defend myself. I told them where I really went, Winderixville, and that I used Danny as an excuse. I explained my reasoning and waited to get chewed out.

They were all angry and disappointed with me. The look on Soda's face still makes my chest throb a little. I knew it would hurt him, but at the same time I didn't want him too be upset. I tried to explain why I had to do it on my own, but I know they wouldn't understand.

For once, I'm okay that they don't understand me. I'm my own person and not everything I do will be understood by everyone else, even my own family. Those little quirks just make me who I am.

I realize now it's something I should be proud of. My differences aren't something I am cursed with but gifted with.

My new found peace with myself is something I've read about a hundred times and never understood. I'm happy to say I get it now. It was all worth the fight.

I was smiling and spending more time with the gang. I was still haunted by nightmares and still touchy when it came to Johnny and Dally, but there was no argument that I was getting better. I was starting to get myself back.

Soda had said he wanted his little brother back and I'm happy to say he got me back. I don't feel so guilty when I feel happy now. I realized I need to live my life to the fullest for Johnny and Dally and my Mom and my Dad, instead of being miserable because I'm getting opportunities they didn't receive.

I smiled as I walked down the street. It was unusually warm out for early winter, only a light jacket needed. The air was fresh and crisp, the weather reflecting my mood.

When I got to my destination I folded myself into a pretzel position. In the shade, due to a tree, it was slightly cooler. I looked at Johnny's grave for the first time. I had never been able to bring myself to come and see Johnny or Dally's grave.

He was buried under the small tree, and I used my jacket sleeve to brush leaves and dirt from his stone. It said the usual name, date of birth, and date of death, it also said beloved son underneath that. I couldn't hold back the snort the bubble up.

But underneath that there was something else. I pulled some weeds out of the way in order to read it.

_Best Buddy Anyone Could've Asked For_

I could tell it was one of the guys who must have engraved that in. The writing was jagged and looked choppy and unprofessional compared to the writing above. I grinned, the line couldn't be more true.

Just then _golden_ sunlight broke through the trees and landed on me, warming me.

I laughed weakly, tears in my eyes, "I miss you too, Johnnycakes."

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Reviews, alerts, favorites, were all appreciated. Please give me your final thoughts!

I'm going to have another story for you all soon, so keep an eye out. It will be a story about Pony's journey to manhood. My head is swimming with ideas for this one!


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